Tonight my family and I went to a local kids pizza restaurant for dinner. We had a great seat, in front of a bank of windows, sunlight streaming in... Really nice... I got up to get a drink refill and passed a man and woman bickering in the lobby. Woman was nagging at the man about not being at her house when he was supposed to be. Man was telling her to get out of his face in a not very pleasant manner. A few minutes later, the woman and the man left the restaurant. The bickering continued into the parking lot, right outside our beautiful sun-dappled table and my three young children. Seconds later, the man began beating the woman about the head and shoulders. I was absolutely floored! I told my husband and just as we were going to call 911, two other men in the parking lot called 911 and interceded in the fight.
The fight ended up out of sight of the restaurant, and I got to explain to my children why hitting a woman, hitting ANYONE, is against the law. No, it's not just morally wrong but LEGALLY wrong. Later the woman was standing alone in the parking lot, outside our window again. I wondered if she was waiting for her attacker or someone else because she did not seem at all phased or altered by what she had gone through. I got the feeling it wasn't the first time -nor would it be the last.
I did find an upside to the whole event -two of them actually.... I am from California where rioters beat a man they dragged from a semi truck because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am so grateful to be living in a community where people get involved and recognize that it is empowering to help each other. Secondly, I am grateful that I have children who were appalled and willing to discuss it with their parents and to share their opinions and their fears.
And I am hoping they apply those lessons they learned when they see bullies of any age taking advantage of someone else.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I'm going to try Random Thoughts Thursday....
My friend Allison does a great job posting her Random Thoughts Thursday, so I am going to give it a try... I may never have anyone read my blog again (I often sanitize my brain dumps, believe it or not!) but here goes nothing... I mean, after all, I am nothing if not Random, right?
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Why is it my kids can't get along when they are doing stuff I need them to do but when they are doing stuff I would rather they NOT do, they get along famously? And if they are getting along, it must be at the highest possible volume, guaranteed to split ear drums.
For someone who does not have a paying job, I have a lot of work on my plate.
Why is every reference I know related to food? Slower than molasses... work on my plate... And since we are talking about food, how come whenever I gain weight or stay the same, more people compliment me on how much weight I have lost?
I am convinced laundry leaves the main level of my house for the basement and mates... and they send my socks to boarding school... We have way to much laundry for a house with three kids who wear uniforms and pajamas all school year and swimsuits all summer.
The grass is always greener in someone else's yard. No, literally. I refuse to water my grass in Oregon. It rains 9 months out of the year here -the grass always comes back nice and green by November, so why bother?
Sometimes, I wander my house when everyone is asleep. I used to think it was because I couldn't sleep but now I think its because it's the only time the house is quiet. Well, it used to be until we got that second cat...
I am 7 years from 50. This was not nearly as alarming as I thought it was.... until my kids said, "you are really old mom!" I think I have been in denial.... And suddenly I feel like I am aging rapidly... It's the kids... I turn 50 the same year my 10 year old graduates from high school and my 8 year old gets her learners permit. I am sure this is no accident on God's part.
Most of the people who are my closest friends now I met because of a medical condition or through a website.
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Ok, that's enough for now! I have a whole bunch of blog ideas I am working on so I will get back to those for now... Happy Thursday! And let me know if I should keep doing the randomness. Oh -and go check out Allison's blog too by clicking the link above.... Have a great Thursday!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I will never ever underestimate myself again.... I hope!
OK, so sometimes, when I am weak and caught unaware, I underestimate how klutzy and ridiculous I really am...
On June 4, I fell in the street at a neighborhood garage sale. I did not think it was all that bad. There was a lot of blood and it looked gross, but I figured it was cosmetic damage and just usual klutzy behavior. And because I am the mommy, I totally sucked it up, minimized the pain and got going -even tried to keep shopping the yard sales so my kids would not freak out. No one else does that, do they?
Because my life is all about the timing, I have to point out that I fell the exact same day my husband of 12 years left for a week long business trip that had been planned for over a year.... Yeah, this was going to go well....
Eventually I had to stop the flow of blood and the questions of the people in the community yard sale who were GREATLY concerned about the amount of blood I was leaving behind... I couldn't get the bleeding to stop. As a result, me and my three ducklings headed home for antiseptic, soap and water and massive ice packs....
Turns out, Mama don't know diddly about cuts and scrapes! I did not go to the emergency room or urgent care until the next morning when I couldn't stand up without pain. Went to the Urgent Care where they x-rayed the knee and said all was fine except for some bone bruising, I needed stitches but it was too late to get them, I was not to drive and I needed to be on crutches. Whuck? Did I mention I drove myself to the Urgent Care? Yeah, I got a lecture for that and for refusing pain meds but anyone who knows me knows I don't like them anyway.... and no way in Topeka was I going to take them when I was supposed to be the "responsible one" in the house with hubby all the way on the right coast for a week.... the bleeding did not stop for three weeks....
Well, its now almost 6 weeks later (just two days shy). I have since discovered that bone contusions are gross and beyond painful. When you have cuts that require stitches and you don't get them, odds are good you will get a NASTY infection (yes, I did!). And I have learned that pain killers can be a good thing.... and I have learned I am not a patient person and I am not good at having everyone else take care of me. I must be insufferable right about now! I know I am not enjoying my own company at all... I hate crutches and I hate spending most of every day flat on my back with my leg above my hip.
My 10 year old cooked the entire time my hubby was out of town. It was not five star meals, but it was balanced, cooked properly and truthfully, kept mommy from losing her marbles or living off of delivery pizza. When hubby returned, he commandeered cooking duties with the 10 year old's help and they are a pretty great team. I don't starve, the food is edible and believe it or not, I have lost weight on bedrest. Yeah, I'm pretty shocked out of my bobby socks on that one too....
As much as there is a lot to dislike, there is so much to be grateful for and so much to be overwhelmed by -in the GOOD way. No one knows how much longer I am down for the count, but every day I am so eternally grateful for the little things -that are really so much bigger than the givers realize. Things....
On June 4, I fell in the street at a neighborhood garage sale. I did not think it was all that bad. There was a lot of blood and it looked gross, but I figured it was cosmetic damage and just usual klutzy behavior. And because I am the mommy, I totally sucked it up, minimized the pain and got going -even tried to keep shopping the yard sales so my kids would not freak out. No one else does that, do they?
Because my life is all about the timing, I have to point out that I fell the exact same day my husband of 12 years left for a week long business trip that had been planned for over a year.... Yeah, this was going to go well....
Eventually I had to stop the flow of blood and the questions of the people in the community yard sale who were GREATLY concerned about the amount of blood I was leaving behind... I couldn't get the bleeding to stop. As a result, me and my three ducklings headed home for antiseptic, soap and water and massive ice packs....
Turns out, Mama don't know diddly about cuts and scrapes! I did not go to the emergency room or urgent care until the next morning when I couldn't stand up without pain. Went to the Urgent Care where they x-rayed the knee and said all was fine except for some bone bruising, I needed stitches but it was too late to get them, I was not to drive and I needed to be on crutches. Whuck? Did I mention I drove myself to the Urgent Care? Yeah, I got a lecture for that and for refusing pain meds but anyone who knows me knows I don't like them anyway.... and no way in Topeka was I going to take them when I was supposed to be the "responsible one" in the house with hubby all the way on the right coast for a week.... the bleeding did not stop for three weeks....
Well, its now almost 6 weeks later (just two days shy). I have since discovered that bone contusions are gross and beyond painful. When you have cuts that require stitches and you don't get them, odds are good you will get a NASTY infection (yes, I did!). And I have learned that pain killers can be a good thing.... and I have learned I am not a patient person and I am not good at having everyone else take care of me. I must be insufferable right about now! I know I am not enjoying my own company at all... I hate crutches and I hate spending most of every day flat on my back with my leg above my hip.
My 10 year old cooked the entire time my hubby was out of town. It was not five star meals, but it was balanced, cooked properly and truthfully, kept mommy from losing her marbles or living off of delivery pizza. When hubby returned, he commandeered cooking duties with the 10 year old's help and they are a pretty great team. I don't starve, the food is edible and believe it or not, I have lost weight on bedrest. Yeah, I'm pretty shocked out of my bobby socks on that one too....
As much as there is a lot to dislike, there is so much to be grateful for and so much to be overwhelmed by -in the GOOD way. No one knows how much longer I am down for the count, but every day I am so eternally grateful for the little things -that are really so much bigger than the givers realize. Things....
- like the friend who hauls my cookies, wheelchair and all, to hither and yon to get me out of the house. Then turns around for a trip that includes ALL of my kids!
- like the friend who kidnapped my kids for bowling, dinner and a park play date. It gave them a much needed taste of summer, me a couple of hours of not feeling like an invalid and hubby and I date night.
- like the friends who sponsored a 4th of July BBQ and then made amazing concessions to the gimp.
- like the friend who literally gave me her TV. Who cares if you are traveling -most people would not do that.
- like the friend who made us a cake, brought me magazines and sat for a visit even though she is in more pain than me.
- like the friends who work at a certain doctor's office who told me how I could expedite insurance and doctors and digital imaging and helped me not to lose my mind waiting for all of the red tape.
There are so many more... the phone calls, the books, tons of things people have done to make me feel like I am still a part of the world outside my bedroom walls. And all of the prayers.... That in itself is amazing to me....
Tomorrow is a big day for our house. We go see the orthopedist -a knee specialist. The MRI shows a fissure (a crack) in the knee cap. May not be anything but so much of our life right now is a waiting game... So many questions unanswered and so many things we want to know that we are getting cross eyed waiting...
And my kids would like their summer back....
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life.
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. - Buddha
Sounds pretty simple doesn't it? Be present in the moment. But it's not. We all travel with so much baggage these days and we hold on to everything. I bet, if we checked, hoarding is on the rise in both physical possesions and emotional possessions. I am guilty of it, certainly. I cannot forget the past and try and carry everything along with me. But if I can learn to let go, leave the harmful, nasty stuff behind, I will have open arms for the glorious and beautiful and not be clutching the negative, detrimental stuff so close.
I think we have to let go sometimes and leave the stuff behind. I watch my kids sometimes when they set the table for dinner. They try and carry too much and inevitably, something gets broke.
Happens with people too. If I try and do too much for my family and I don't slow down and ask for help where I can, will I get broke? Or am I already? If I keep creating my future by relying on information and experiences from the past, that were with OTHER people, I am creating a disappointing and self fulfilling prophecy of my life. Life is a one shot deal and it's our responsibility to make it our best one possible.
Sounds pretty simple doesn't it? Be present in the moment. But it's not. We all travel with so much baggage these days and we hold on to everything. I bet, if we checked, hoarding is on the rise in both physical possesions and emotional possessions. I am guilty of it, certainly. I cannot forget the past and try and carry everything along with me. But if I can learn to let go, leave the harmful, nasty stuff behind, I will have open arms for the glorious and beautiful and not be clutching the negative, detrimental stuff so close.
I think we have to let go sometimes and leave the stuff behind. I watch my kids sometimes when they set the table for dinner. They try and carry too much and inevitably, something gets broke.
Happens with people too. If I try and do too much for my family and I don't slow down and ask for help where I can, will I get broke? Or am I already? If I keep creating my future by relying on information and experiences from the past, that were with OTHER people, I am creating a disappointing and self fulfilling prophecy of my life. Life is a one shot deal and it's our responsibility to make it our best one possible.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Life, love and Depeche Mode
Life has been kind of crazy lately. Let me share some snippets of my crazy with you....
Unfortunately, last Tuesday I had the misfortune of having another Angioedema attack. Its the first time since last June that I have had one, but still -not a nice way to wake up at 430am on a Tuesday... Angioedema is a strange beast. I have it in my gastrointestinal track so my intensines swell up and I get fluid in my abdomen. Its ugly painful. I would rather go through labor without benefit of pain killers...
This time, we got a hold of the doc first thing and got seen then scheduled for a transfusion of fresh frozen plasma... Doesn't hurt, shortened the intensity and the duration -hey, WIN-WIN! Except... Now, I can't donate blood for a year. And I am occasionally waking up with weird thoughts. Can I blame them on the "donor" who gave me their plasma? If I wandered around telling people my weird thoughts, could I eventually figure out my donor? Uhm, would I want to?
I got called by the Red Cross a few days after the transfusion to get me to participate in a blood drive. Prior to all of this, donating blood was a huge milestone for me. I have been donating since my early 20s. But I got way too fat to donate at the mobile drives and then was too anemic after the birth of my son in 2005 to donate. Eventually, my weight was down and the anemia was better and I began donating as frequently as I can. Anyway, I asked the caller if I was eligible to donate after the transfusion and the volunteer said, "Well, its not a blood product." Um, yeah - it most definitely IS! I got asked by a guy at the bank who made the plasma. My response? "Um, pretty sure it was God." I am feeling particularly snarky since the transfusion -must mean I am feeling better... Or something was mixed in... or my donor was on some other med that is passing through the blood stream. Yeah, that's it... And I don't know why but I kept thinking of the movie PET SEMETARY while I got the transfusion....
The other downside of the whole attack thing is that I become a finicky eater and I am exhausted. Which brings me to major bad news of the week for me... I hit the 300 lbs mark again at my TOPS weigh in. Dang it. I just bumped right into it, but still - the finicky eating and the lack of energy just means I am in no way interested in working out. I am also not interested in laundry, naughty cats or children who don't finish their homework when they say they did, but that is not related to the attack, unless its true that stress triggers the attacks, in which case -HOOK UP THE PLASMA IV now! But the finicky eating -body thinks it won't get food again and shuts down... Argh. My life is a see-saw.
I am not happy to see 300 again. I am not sure who was more bummed, me or our weight recorder, who just kept saying, "I'm sorry". Me too, but I ate my way here, it will have to be me who sends that hideous number into the past... I was hoping it was never in my future... And I guess its not -its my present. Time for a reboot of the mental system. It would help if this infernal rain would stop. I appreciate the green result, but yipes. We get one gorgeous (but cold) day and then rain -again. I think the exhaustion I feel is some bizarre sense of depression. Definitely need some sun... and to win the lottery...And I am going to try to make sure that next Tuesday's weigh in does not let me see 300 again... I hate that number.
My children have all had their birthdays for the year -whew. Them getting older means I am older too. And borrowing their headbands means you can see the grey to prove it... On principal, I am refusing to dye my hair. I think the grey hairs should be looked at as badges, showing how much I have invested in my family. Besides, I tried once to color them and the dye never worked... Why waste my time?
My poor husband -I asked him once why he doesn't do the romantic overtures he did when we were dating and he said, "Why? We're already married." True. I still do romantic things for him -I think - but I have grey hair, rarely shave my legs, live in my sweats and I am tired all the time. Oh, and I don't save the snarky just for my blog. Who do you think gets the better deal? I am guessing it depends on the day....
So what does all this ranting and weird stuff have to do with Depeche Mode (I will assume you all know who they are)?
They sing a song called "Blasphemous Rumours". This wonderful song, is the soundtrack to my life...
Listen to Depeche Mode here -with lyrics
I think if you don't look at your life with a little humor, you are going to be in a padded room, wearing a nice coat with the sleeves in the back -and then you have lost more than just your mind, you have lost everything....
Unfortunately, last Tuesday I had the misfortune of having another Angioedema attack. Its the first time since last June that I have had one, but still -not a nice way to wake up at 430am on a Tuesday... Angioedema is a strange beast. I have it in my gastrointestinal track so my intensines swell up and I get fluid in my abdomen. Its ugly painful. I would rather go through labor without benefit of pain killers...
This time, we got a hold of the doc first thing and got seen then scheduled for a transfusion of fresh frozen plasma... Doesn't hurt, shortened the intensity and the duration -hey, WIN-WIN! Except... Now, I can't donate blood for a year. And I am occasionally waking up with weird thoughts. Can I blame them on the "donor" who gave me their plasma? If I wandered around telling people my weird thoughts, could I eventually figure out my donor? Uhm, would I want to?
I got called by the Red Cross a few days after the transfusion to get me to participate in a blood drive. Prior to all of this, donating blood was a huge milestone for me. I have been donating since my early 20s. But I got way too fat to donate at the mobile drives and then was too anemic after the birth of my son in 2005 to donate. Eventually, my weight was down and the anemia was better and I began donating as frequently as I can. Anyway, I asked the caller if I was eligible to donate after the transfusion and the volunteer said, "Well, its not a blood product." Um, yeah - it most definitely IS! I got asked by a guy at the bank who made the plasma. My response? "Um, pretty sure it was God." I am feeling particularly snarky since the transfusion -must mean I am feeling better... Or something was mixed in... or my donor was on some other med that is passing through the blood stream. Yeah, that's it... And I don't know why but I kept thinking of the movie PET SEMETARY while I got the transfusion....
The other downside of the whole attack thing is that I become a finicky eater and I am exhausted. Which brings me to major bad news of the week for me... I hit the 300 lbs mark again at my TOPS weigh in. Dang it. I just bumped right into it, but still - the finicky eating and the lack of energy just means I am in no way interested in working out. I am also not interested in laundry, naughty cats or children who don't finish their homework when they say they did, but that is not related to the attack, unless its true that stress triggers the attacks, in which case -HOOK UP THE PLASMA IV now! But the finicky eating -body thinks it won't get food again and shuts down... Argh. My life is a see-saw.
I am not happy to see 300 again. I am not sure who was more bummed, me or our weight recorder, who just kept saying, "I'm sorry". Me too, but I ate my way here, it will have to be me who sends that hideous number into the past... I was hoping it was never in my future... And I guess its not -its my present. Time for a reboot of the mental system. It would help if this infernal rain would stop. I appreciate the green result, but yipes. We get one gorgeous (but cold) day and then rain -again. I think the exhaustion I feel is some bizarre sense of depression. Definitely need some sun... and to win the lottery...And I am going to try to make sure that next Tuesday's weigh in does not let me see 300 again... I hate that number.
My children have all had their birthdays for the year -whew. Them getting older means I am older too. And borrowing their headbands means you can see the grey to prove it... On principal, I am refusing to dye my hair. I think the grey hairs should be looked at as badges, showing how much I have invested in my family. Besides, I tried once to color them and the dye never worked... Why waste my time?
My poor husband -I asked him once why he doesn't do the romantic overtures he did when we were dating and he said, "Why? We're already married." True. I still do romantic things for him -I think - but I have grey hair, rarely shave my legs, live in my sweats and I am tired all the time. Oh, and I don't save the snarky just for my blog. Who do you think gets the better deal? I am guessing it depends on the day....
So what does all this ranting and weird stuff have to do with Depeche Mode (I will assume you all know who they are)?
They sing a song called "Blasphemous Rumours". This wonderful song, is the soundtrack to my life...
Listen to Depeche Mode here -with lyrics
I think if you don't look at your life with a little humor, you are going to be in a padded room, wearing a nice coat with the sleeves in the back -and then you have lost more than just your mind, you have lost everything....
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Today's not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking so good either...
When it rains, it pours might have also been an apt title, especially given that I live in Oregon with one of the worst wet winters on record. Oh that's right, its not officially winter anymore.
I am one of three kids. Both of my parents are dead - one a while back (almost 16 years ago -a whole other lifetime ago) and one more recent. My childhood, like many, was not an easy one. Some of the trials and tribulations were normal growing up things (bullies, boys and bad self image) others not so normal for the time (believe it or not divorce, sexual abuse, alcoholism).
I have always looked at my life as a sum of all its parts. I don't look at my life with regrets, if I can help it, as I would not be where I am now if those things had not happened. I can NOT like what happened, not like what the outcome of something was (like gaining hundreds of pounds too much) but regreting the past means regreting who I am -and I don't. Nowadays, I think I am a pretty decent person. I volunteer, I am community oriented, I don't drink, don't do drugs or carouse all night. I am a faithful wife, love my children and have a great group of friends who at any given moment can be relied upon to fill in as part of whatever part of my life is lacking something at that moment (friend, sister, parent, grandparent, confidant, asskicker, whatever)...
When I was growing up, I did not have a lot of friends. I had a lot of people I knew, but probably the best friend I had was my brother, who is younger than me. He's about four and a half years younger chronologically, but while we were the spitting image of each other -we are polar opposites in personality. My sister on the other hand is about four and a half years older and was everything I was not. Platinum blonde, tall, thin and could not care less what people thought of her. I so wanted to be her and I so wanted her to like me.
As I have grown up in both age and wisdom, there are a lot of life changes. My brother and I have nothing in common and very little contact. There is no sign of the companionship that was bred of a life led in each other's shadow both genetically, resembling a man long gone and by the geography of growing up in each others pockets. I am no longer his caretaker or his confidante in any capacity. I've met his wife, though she was not his wife then and he has children I have never seen - but he has not seen mine either, or met my husband of over 12 years. The rift was there before the marriages and the children came along. My sister and I are so much closer than she and I were growing up and she often weighs in on what my oldest daughter is thinking when engaging in sibling terrorizing and she ends every conversation with how much she loves me, not waiting for me to say it first. She survived a very difficult firestorm to come out the other side a person at peace with who she is and others faults -and lets them own their own issues. She was at my wedding, loves my husband and my children and has become a pretty amazing adults.
How is it that our lives perform such intricate twists and turns? How is that the one everyone thought was confident and secure as a child ends up the one hellbent on self destruction? How is it that the one who never seemed to notice anyone else has become the student of acceptance? When is enough distance enough and when do you ignore the gap for the greater good?
I find myself a skeptic, where I used to be optimistic and faithful. Not with everyone mind you, but with the ones who seem so intent on misdirecting what is going on. I don't like game playing in my interpersonal relationships and I withdraw both physically and emotionally when I feel like that is what is happening -part of why my brother and I are no longer close. I often feel like my life reflects the Wizard of Oz. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." The GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ! But I do pay attention - I hear the tinkering and see the curtain moving. When I was at my lowest, I found comfort in religion, finding a grounding and home where I could allow myself to heal and choose my way. But the voices and characters from the past cannot always be ignored and sometimes they are asking us to remember when it was different and to accept the lessons and let go.
My question is -how do you know when you are supposed to stay away from the edge - and how are you supposed to know when you are supposed to jump? My sister called to let me know that choices are due and time may be running out. Time to start evaluating past choices and make new ones...
One of my favorite quotes from Bull Durham, "Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Seems appropriate today....
I am one of three kids. Both of my parents are dead - one a while back (almost 16 years ago -a whole other lifetime ago) and one more recent. My childhood, like many, was not an easy one. Some of the trials and tribulations were normal growing up things (bullies, boys and bad self image) others not so normal for the time (believe it or not divorce, sexual abuse, alcoholism).
I have always looked at my life as a sum of all its parts. I don't look at my life with regrets, if I can help it, as I would not be where I am now if those things had not happened. I can NOT like what happened, not like what the outcome of something was (like gaining hundreds of pounds too much) but regreting the past means regreting who I am -and I don't. Nowadays, I think I am a pretty decent person. I volunteer, I am community oriented, I don't drink, don't do drugs or carouse all night. I am a faithful wife, love my children and have a great group of friends who at any given moment can be relied upon to fill in as part of whatever part of my life is lacking something at that moment (friend, sister, parent, grandparent, confidant, asskicker, whatever)...
When I was growing up, I did not have a lot of friends. I had a lot of people I knew, but probably the best friend I had was my brother, who is younger than me. He's about four and a half years younger chronologically, but while we were the spitting image of each other -we are polar opposites in personality. My sister on the other hand is about four and a half years older and was everything I was not. Platinum blonde, tall, thin and could not care less what people thought of her. I so wanted to be her and I so wanted her to like me.
As I have grown up in both age and wisdom, there are a lot of life changes. My brother and I have nothing in common and very little contact. There is no sign of the companionship that was bred of a life led in each other's shadow both genetically, resembling a man long gone and by the geography of growing up in each others pockets. I am no longer his caretaker or his confidante in any capacity. I've met his wife, though she was not his wife then and he has children I have never seen - but he has not seen mine either, or met my husband of over 12 years. The rift was there before the marriages and the children came along. My sister and I are so much closer than she and I were growing up and she often weighs in on what my oldest daughter is thinking when engaging in sibling terrorizing and she ends every conversation with how much she loves me, not waiting for me to say it first. She survived a very difficult firestorm to come out the other side a person at peace with who she is and others faults -and lets them own their own issues. She was at my wedding, loves my husband and my children and has become a pretty amazing adults.
How is it that our lives perform such intricate twists and turns? How is that the one everyone thought was confident and secure as a child ends up the one hellbent on self destruction? How is it that the one who never seemed to notice anyone else has become the student of acceptance? When is enough distance enough and when do you ignore the gap for the greater good?
I find myself a skeptic, where I used to be optimistic and faithful. Not with everyone mind you, but with the ones who seem so intent on misdirecting what is going on. I don't like game playing in my interpersonal relationships and I withdraw both physically and emotionally when I feel like that is what is happening -part of why my brother and I are no longer close. I often feel like my life reflects the Wizard of Oz. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." The GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ! But I do pay attention - I hear the tinkering and see the curtain moving. When I was at my lowest, I found comfort in religion, finding a grounding and home where I could allow myself to heal and choose my way. But the voices and characters from the past cannot always be ignored and sometimes they are asking us to remember when it was different and to accept the lessons and let go.
My question is -how do you know when you are supposed to stay away from the edge - and how are you supposed to know when you are supposed to jump? My sister called to let me know that choices are due and time may be running out. Time to start evaluating past choices and make new ones...
One of my favorite quotes from Bull Durham, "Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Seems appropriate today....
Thursday, March 17, 2011
It's like deja vu all over again!
So, I have never really considered myself to be all that attractive. I am not hideous, but I am not really much to write home to mom about either. God bless my husband -aside from dealing with all the craziness that is me, he also thinks I look well enough to marry. But a strange thing has started to happen to me lately.... and I am not sure if its because of how I look (good or bad) or because of how much I talk (always a possibility!) or if its because something about what I have said or done has stuck with people...
There is a big cheap market I like to shop at here, that is huge and non-descript and pretty anonymous. Most of the time if I run in to someone, its someone I know from our church, the kids' school or bunco or something. But a couple of days ago, I was getting some granola or something and this woman asks me if I had seen something. I point her in the right direction, made a comment on what she was buying and she says, "I remember you. You look good. You have lost a lot of weight." I could not place her. The filofax of my brain was flipping but nothing stopped...
She said she worked at a local home improvement store and she remembered me from carding me to verify my signature on my credit card. She said she told me the driver's license picture didn't look like me and I had to explain that I had lost about 150 lbs since the picture was taken. She remembered -and now all this time later, still knew who I was....
Today I was in a megamart, finishing up my grocery shopping, when a woman stopped me with an enthusiastic, "Hello!" She explained she knew me from church and from my involvement with our mass. "And by the way," she said, "you look amazing! How much have you lost anyway?"
I was floored. She looked vaguely familiar, but not enough that I would have known her on the street -obviously!
How is that when we are feeling our weakest, feeling we look our worst, people surface and tell us these amazing things and share with us how we have made a difference in their lives. Apparently the Megamart lady even told friends in another state about me.
There are people out there who pray for me, who talk about me with positive energy and strength. Wow, I actually INSPIRE people. And those people are amazing to share that with me because they always seem to cross my path when I am having the least amount of confidence possible in myself. Simple gifts like that is how I know that, for me, God exists. There is a force out there, looking out for me when I have lost focus and faith in me.
I feel flattered and overwhelmed by the support that this means is out there for me. I have AMAZING friends -people who have loved me unconditionally through some very rough times and they continue to love without question. And when I cannot figure out why, they are quick to tell me to remove my head from my nether regions and to get a grip. And I have these people whose lives I have, in my humble opinion, merely brushed up against, and they too cannot help but cheer me on...
I need to remember that when I cannot have faith in myself, others have unequivocal faith in me.
And who am I to question that kind of wisdom?
There is a big cheap market I like to shop at here, that is huge and non-descript and pretty anonymous. Most of the time if I run in to someone, its someone I know from our church, the kids' school or bunco or something. But a couple of days ago, I was getting some granola or something and this woman asks me if I had seen something. I point her in the right direction, made a comment on what she was buying and she says, "I remember you. You look good. You have lost a lot of weight." I could not place her. The filofax of my brain was flipping but nothing stopped...
She said she worked at a local home improvement store and she remembered me from carding me to verify my signature on my credit card. She said she told me the driver's license picture didn't look like me and I had to explain that I had lost about 150 lbs since the picture was taken. She remembered -and now all this time later, still knew who I was....
Today I was in a megamart, finishing up my grocery shopping, when a woman stopped me with an enthusiastic, "Hello!" She explained she knew me from church and from my involvement with our mass. "And by the way," she said, "you look amazing! How much have you lost anyway?"
I was floored. She looked vaguely familiar, but not enough that I would have known her on the street -obviously!
How is that when we are feeling our weakest, feeling we look our worst, people surface and tell us these amazing things and share with us how we have made a difference in their lives. Apparently the Megamart lady even told friends in another state about me.
There are people out there who pray for me, who talk about me with positive energy and strength. Wow, I actually INSPIRE people. And those people are amazing to share that with me because they always seem to cross my path when I am having the least amount of confidence possible in myself. Simple gifts like that is how I know that, for me, God exists. There is a force out there, looking out for me when I have lost focus and faith in me.
I feel flattered and overwhelmed by the support that this means is out there for me. I have AMAZING friends -people who have loved me unconditionally through some very rough times and they continue to love without question. And when I cannot figure out why, they are quick to tell me to remove my head from my nether regions and to get a grip. And I have these people whose lives I have, in my humble opinion, merely brushed up against, and they too cannot help but cheer me on...
I need to remember that when I cannot have faith in myself, others have unequivocal faith in me.
And who am I to question that kind of wisdom?
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
By the way...they are real and they are SPECTACULAR!
OK, so they are real, and maybe they are not spectacular but they are mine....
Get your mind out of the gutter. Yes, that was a veiled reference to Seinfeld...
I am talking about my fears... I have had this mental block about getting back into my exercise routing. I used to be so committed to it... and then I got sick and out of the habit and then there was this huge wall around me getting back on the treadmill. I would think about it and go to bed with every intention of getting back in the swing of it the next morning.... then morning chaos would ensue and I would once again push my needs to the wayside and avoid working out.
I would spend hours, days even agonizing over why I did this self sabotage. I would analyze and speculate and dig through my psyche bemoaning this failure I was committing. It never occurred to me that I was perpetuating it by thinking about it. Sadly, I don't consider myself a great thinker... So why would I even consider I was overthinking things, and perpetuating my work out avoidance? I kept telling myself I was "trying" and for some reason I just could not seem to do it and I was frustrated.
I wasn't trying though. I was continuing to NOT do something. And I was trying to figure out WHY I could not do it. Um, DUH!? Because I was not getting up, I was not getting on the treadmill. I was NOT, so I COULD NOT. As it was so eloquently put, I did not need to THINK about this, I needed to DO this. See, that's why they get paid by the hour....
This morning, for the first time in months, I got on the treadmill. It was awkward and weird and wonderful. I did two miles in 38 minutes -at a 3 incline. My body remembers how good it used to feel and I found myself not so sluggish. How did this miracle occur?
I told someone to hold me responsible. I asked my husband to wake me up. The irony is he usually does anyway with the noise he makes but I usually try and tune it out to go back to sleep. But today, he simply said, "Honey, you wanted me to wake you up to work out." I got up, dressed and on the treadmill.
Seems so easy now....
Hope it feels that way in the morning. And hope all of my self resistance can be undone that easily.
In my mind, that's why it takes a village -sometimes, that first step is so difficult to do alone.
Get your mind out of the gutter. Yes, that was a veiled reference to Seinfeld...
I am talking about my fears... I have had this mental block about getting back into my exercise routing. I used to be so committed to it... and then I got sick and out of the habit and then there was this huge wall around me getting back on the treadmill. I would think about it and go to bed with every intention of getting back in the swing of it the next morning.... then morning chaos would ensue and I would once again push my needs to the wayside and avoid working out.
I would spend hours, days even agonizing over why I did this self sabotage. I would analyze and speculate and dig through my psyche bemoaning this failure I was committing. It never occurred to me that I was perpetuating it by thinking about it. Sadly, I don't consider myself a great thinker... So why would I even consider I was overthinking things, and perpetuating my work out avoidance? I kept telling myself I was "trying" and for some reason I just could not seem to do it and I was frustrated.
I wasn't trying though. I was continuing to NOT do something. And I was trying to figure out WHY I could not do it. Um, DUH!? Because I was not getting up, I was not getting on the treadmill. I was NOT, so I COULD NOT. As it was so eloquently put, I did not need to THINK about this, I needed to DO this. See, that's why they get paid by the hour....
This morning, for the first time in months, I got on the treadmill. It was awkward and weird and wonderful. I did two miles in 38 minutes -at a 3 incline. My body remembers how good it used to feel and I found myself not so sluggish. How did this miracle occur?
I told someone to hold me responsible. I asked my husband to wake me up. The irony is he usually does anyway with the noise he makes but I usually try and tune it out to go back to sleep. But today, he simply said, "Honey, you wanted me to wake you up to work out." I got up, dressed and on the treadmill.
Seems so easy now....
Hope it feels that way in the morning. And hope all of my self resistance can be undone that easily.
In my mind, that's why it takes a village -sometimes, that first step is so difficult to do alone.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I'll show you mine, if you show me yours!
When we have babies, everyone talks about who gave them their eyes, their hair, their nose... There is great pride in claiming height, unusual eyes, particularly unique hair color...
Who gave me my weird eating habits?? And why isn't anyone claiming them?
I am not the only one who has them. When you make public your food piccadillos, folks come out of the woodwork to share theirs with you. It actually helps a little to not feel so dirty or ashamed to find out about other peoples. It also helps to bring your behaviour into the light and make you kind of go, "Huh. Why the hell did I do that?" Which, if you have any experience with any addiction, admitting you have a problem is the first step. But when it's food -its just strange... You NEED food to survive and hence the inability to "give it up".
You have them, you know you do.... The strange little behaviors that beg your attention to detail. You eat your Oreos by dunking after pulling them apart. You can only eat french fries with Thousand Island dressing. You never, ever eat rare meat. There has to be chocolate in the house.
But my habits, and for others like me, indicate a more intense and negative relationship with food. A friend of mine was telling me how her mom used to hide candy and so now she HAS to have chocolate in the house and her brother bought a refrigerator with a "secret drawer" to stash his goodies. I'm tempted to find me one of those...
I remember always thinking of food as a reward. I still want to reward myself with food -and comfort myself with it. There was a time when there was not enough of it and times when there was an abundance.... And times when I wanted it above all else... It was my friend -there for me when I did not believe any one else was -and there for me when I could not cope with anything or anyone else. I could always rely on the people at the food place to talk to me when I was alone.... And when other people had let me down, I knew I could go to my favorite dinner place and the food would taste the same... it was reliable.
My approach to food used to be to INHALE. Now, I concentrate more on trying to taste it, savor it. I am trying to make my food an accessory to my relationships, not the main event. My children help out in the kitchen and we do lots of meal planning to make sure all of our favorites are represented. I am striving to make it less about the food than the experience.
Think about it -every social event -birthdays, weddings, baptisms, funerals -there is always food. Movies, concerts, etc... There is always food offered. We are an overscheduled society -and our lives revolve around food. Meet me for coffee, dinner, how about we go out for dessert? It all overwhelms someone with food issues.
Food addiction can be catastrophic. How do you shut off the voices in your head about the food but still eat appropriately. There is also the issues of undoing the metabolic damage the overeating has done and getting your body in synch with your brain. And now research shows that there is an actual equation of fat+sodium that fast food companies follow. Nice, they are ganging up on us now! And breaking the cycle is difficult alone...
The nice lady I pay by the hour told me yesterday that sometimes just accepting that something "is" has to be enough. I am not supposed to figure out the why -so much as the how to change it. Figuring out WHY I am not on the treadmill is not as important as getting me back on there now. The WHY I got so heavy in the first place is not as critical as getting me back on course to reverse the damage and heal.
Money well spent.
Who gave me my weird eating habits?? And why isn't anyone claiming them?
I am not the only one who has them. When you make public your food piccadillos, folks come out of the woodwork to share theirs with you. It actually helps a little to not feel so dirty or ashamed to find out about other peoples. It also helps to bring your behaviour into the light and make you kind of go, "Huh. Why the hell did I do that?" Which, if you have any experience with any addiction, admitting you have a problem is the first step. But when it's food -its just strange... You NEED food to survive and hence the inability to "give it up".
You have them, you know you do.... The strange little behaviors that beg your attention to detail. You eat your Oreos by dunking after pulling them apart. You can only eat french fries with Thousand Island dressing. You never, ever eat rare meat. There has to be chocolate in the house.
But my habits, and for others like me, indicate a more intense and negative relationship with food. A friend of mine was telling me how her mom used to hide candy and so now she HAS to have chocolate in the house and her brother bought a refrigerator with a "secret drawer" to stash his goodies. I'm tempted to find me one of those...
I remember always thinking of food as a reward. I still want to reward myself with food -and comfort myself with it. There was a time when there was not enough of it and times when there was an abundance.... And times when I wanted it above all else... It was my friend -there for me when I did not believe any one else was -and there for me when I could not cope with anything or anyone else. I could always rely on the people at the food place to talk to me when I was alone.... And when other people had let me down, I knew I could go to my favorite dinner place and the food would taste the same... it was reliable.
My approach to food used to be to INHALE. Now, I concentrate more on trying to taste it, savor it. I am trying to make my food an accessory to my relationships, not the main event. My children help out in the kitchen and we do lots of meal planning to make sure all of our favorites are represented. I am striving to make it less about the food than the experience.
Think about it -every social event -birthdays, weddings, baptisms, funerals -there is always food. Movies, concerts, etc... There is always food offered. We are an overscheduled society -and our lives revolve around food. Meet me for coffee, dinner, how about we go out for dessert? It all overwhelms someone with food issues.
Food addiction can be catastrophic. How do you shut off the voices in your head about the food but still eat appropriately. There is also the issues of undoing the metabolic damage the overeating has done and getting your body in synch with your brain. And now research shows that there is an actual equation of fat+sodium that fast food companies follow. Nice, they are ganging up on us now! And breaking the cycle is difficult alone...
The nice lady I pay by the hour told me yesterday that sometimes just accepting that something "is" has to be enough. I am not supposed to figure out the why -so much as the how to change it. Figuring out WHY I am not on the treadmill is not as important as getting me back on there now. The WHY I got so heavy in the first place is not as critical as getting me back on course to reverse the damage and heal.
Money well spent.
Friday, March 4, 2011
It's a brand new morning!
And a lot of things happened last night after I posted.
For one thing, the State Report the eldest child was working on is finished -and submitted. The scepter which has been hanging over our heads since September is done and out the door. Thank the good Lord and a hot glue gun.
Secondly, I did the good mom thing and made homemade spaghetti and meatballs FROM SCRATCH for the rugrats and hubby for dinner -and it was so yummy! So in exchange, he cleaned up and I got to finish my book....literally just in time for book club, which was my other reward last night.
I like having a reward that makes me feel smart. We were reading THE BOOK THIEF this month and due to the kabillion things on my plate, I was not getting the reading done. I haven't even been reading the paper! But I got it finished just in time.... but that is not what made it a reward.
Yesterday I posted about how...UGH I felt. When one of my fellow book fans walked in she said, "I read your blog. My first thought was you needed a hug." Yeah, probably very true... so after discussing this very intense book about words (read it -you will understand) and having a great snack, we are getting ready to leave -she hugged me. Not one of those polite, aren't I nice hugs...a nice, firm, compassionate hug. And even now I am tearing up thinking how special that made me feel and how I know that just for a minute, she saw my heart and shared hers. And since I know she reads my blog (*big smile here*) - I want her to know that she should be one of the ones who sits up -because her soul is very light... I am eternally grateful for the extension of friendship at an otherwise weak moment....
So we hauled in the state report, there is laundry in the machine, the dishwasher running, I got a sensibility reboot and it's now Friday -a busy weekend but still Friday... I woke up another day and am off to begin another book with book club. Ironically, CIRCLE OF FRIENDS.
Nice how a new day can give you a new perspective....
For one thing, the State Report the eldest child was working on is finished -and submitted. The scepter which has been hanging over our heads since September is done and out the door. Thank the good Lord and a hot glue gun.
Secondly, I did the good mom thing and made homemade spaghetti and meatballs FROM SCRATCH for the rugrats and hubby for dinner -and it was so yummy! So in exchange, he cleaned up and I got to finish my book....literally just in time for book club, which was my other reward last night.
I like having a reward that makes me feel smart. We were reading THE BOOK THIEF this month and due to the kabillion things on my plate, I was not getting the reading done. I haven't even been reading the paper! But I got it finished just in time.... but that is not what made it a reward.
Yesterday I posted about how...UGH I felt. When one of my fellow book fans walked in she said, "I read your blog. My first thought was you needed a hug." Yeah, probably very true... so after discussing this very intense book about words (read it -you will understand) and having a great snack, we are getting ready to leave -she hugged me. Not one of those polite, aren't I nice hugs...a nice, firm, compassionate hug. And even now I am tearing up thinking how special that made me feel and how I know that just for a minute, she saw my heart and shared hers. And since I know she reads my blog (*big smile here*) - I want her to know that she should be one of the ones who sits up -because her soul is very light... I am eternally grateful for the extension of friendship at an otherwise weak moment....
So we hauled in the state report, there is laundry in the machine, the dishwasher running, I got a sensibility reboot and it's now Friday -a busy weekend but still Friday... I woke up another day and am off to begin another book with book club. Ironically, CIRCLE OF FRIENDS.
Nice how a new day can give you a new perspective....
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I'm in a sand-kicking kind of mood...
I am in a sand kicking kind of mood -- you know what I mean, right? The kind where you hang your head and grumble under your breath repeatedly about everything and everyone that is wrong in your life. I think it would even be safe to say I am in a sand castle kicking kind of mood. And maybe some stomping and screeching..... Oh yeah, I did that this morning...
My life in the last couple of weeks has gotten insanely busy -more busy than usual. My sanity is paying the price -as is my house. Thank God last month I hosted book club or I would not have any idea the last time I actually swept or cleaned... But I can actually tell you, to the day...
Anyway.. I have had a hard couple of weeks both with the whole weight loss thing (NOT going well at all!) and just trying to keep my patience and my tolerance level in place. My weight is yo-yoing up six pounds, down five pounds, up six pounds, down five pounds. If you are averaging it out in your head, yeah -I am gaining weight again...
Why is it that the two things seems to go so hand in hand for me? No doubt the nice lady who charges by the hour has lots of answers for me -but we are not yet on a regular schedule and I am left guessing...
I seem to be spending a lot of time lately thinking about my shortcomings, which depresses me even more - perhaps because its tax time and seeing all the money we brought in and feeling as if we have little to show for it is contributing to that feeling -I just don't know...
The shortcomings seemed like they were in technicolor in yesterday's deposition. Nothing like hearing all of your car accidents and injuries read in to the "official" record. Depressing...
My life is a lot of NO right now because other things are taking precedence. I have not taken on any new responsibilities -but the current ones are all scheduled around the same time. I am trying to meet everyone else's priorities and I selfishly wonder - am I anyone's priority? I feel a bit petty saying that, but seriously -I look at my day and how much of it is spent doing what everyone else needs - whether its laundry, groceries, bills, taxes, volunteering at school, etc... And the answer is simple -all of it right now.... Then the question gets complicated again -because would I want it different?
I blame that reflection on Dr. Seuss - his birthday was yesterday and the greatest post came up on TWITTER - "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." Dr. Seuss
And he wrote children's books -so he knows.
Then it occurs to me -that when I stop and think about my priorities -being wife and mom comes first and the vast majority of what I do comes back to those two roles. Now, somewhere I failed miserably in keeping "CRIS" part of the equation. I surrendered my personal identity for a blanket identity -and I'm not sure how I feel about that now. And I am not sure how I go about getting it back, if I want it back.
Sadly, I now have a TOBY KEITH song in my head.... Go figure...It goes a little somethhing like, "It's all about me, all about mine, all about #1." Ugh!
So in the meantime, I am going to go look for sand and kick some more.... Oh, nope -no time for that! Have to be in the classroom today...
My life in the last couple of weeks has gotten insanely busy -more busy than usual. My sanity is paying the price -as is my house. Thank God last month I hosted book club or I would not have any idea the last time I actually swept or cleaned... But I can actually tell you, to the day...
Anyway.. I have had a hard couple of weeks both with the whole weight loss thing (NOT going well at all!) and just trying to keep my patience and my tolerance level in place. My weight is yo-yoing up six pounds, down five pounds, up six pounds, down five pounds. If you are averaging it out in your head, yeah -I am gaining weight again...
Why is it that the two things seems to go so hand in hand for me? No doubt the nice lady who charges by the hour has lots of answers for me -but we are not yet on a regular schedule and I am left guessing...
I seem to be spending a lot of time lately thinking about my shortcomings, which depresses me even more - perhaps because its tax time and seeing all the money we brought in and feeling as if we have little to show for it is contributing to that feeling -I just don't know...
The shortcomings seemed like they were in technicolor in yesterday's deposition. Nothing like hearing all of your car accidents and injuries read in to the "official" record. Depressing...
My life is a lot of NO right now because other things are taking precedence. I have not taken on any new responsibilities -but the current ones are all scheduled around the same time. I am trying to meet everyone else's priorities and I selfishly wonder - am I anyone's priority? I feel a bit petty saying that, but seriously -I look at my day and how much of it is spent doing what everyone else needs - whether its laundry, groceries, bills, taxes, volunteering at school, etc... And the answer is simple -all of it right now.... Then the question gets complicated again -because would I want it different?
I blame that reflection on Dr. Seuss - his birthday was yesterday and the greatest post came up on TWITTER - "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." Dr. Seuss
And he wrote children's books -so he knows.
Then it occurs to me -that when I stop and think about my priorities -being wife and mom comes first and the vast majority of what I do comes back to those two roles. Now, somewhere I failed miserably in keeping "CRIS" part of the equation. I surrendered my personal identity for a blanket identity -and I'm not sure how I feel about that now. And I am not sure how I go about getting it back, if I want it back.
Sadly, I now have a TOBY KEITH song in my head.... Go figure...It goes a little somethhing like, "It's all about me, all about mine, all about #1." Ugh!
So in the meantime, I am going to go look for sand and kick some more.... Oh, nope -no time for that! Have to be in the classroom today...
Monday, February 14, 2011
Love is a many splendored thing...
Love has so many facets to it -and not the least of which is loving yourself. I wonder if that is why all of my major life changes consists of events surrounding Valentine's Day... My last big step was five years ago when I joined TOPS. Oscar Wilde said, "To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." He would know...
Today... Well, today I went and met... dunh dunh dunh... HER.
The counselor -I went and met her. After a major panic attack in the parking lot I went in to the meeting -and found out I had gotten the time wrong so I started totally insecure and on the defensive. Parr for the course I guess! But she took me in anyway and did a great job of making me feel comfortable and then sneak attacked.
Guess what I found out when I got in there -she was NICE. It was terrible, I actually like her and I think that means I have to go back. She doesn't think I am crazy -(ha! She just doesn't know me well enough yet -we will give her a bit!) and I think she might actually help. Our goals are simple, measureable and realistic.
I think we will see how it goes...
On a side note, HUNGER has been a big thing (imagine that, since I have food issues) and my friend Lynn has been blogging about it, which makes me think about it, which makes it come up more in day to day -kind of funny how that works. Anyway...so I started thinking about how few of us actually know what hungry for food feels like because we are so caught up in the TIMING of eating (breakfast at 7am, lunch at noon, dinner at 6pm) or the social cues ("Meet me for a drink, for lunch, for breakfast, for ice cream, whatever) that we just don't actually feel HUNGER for food.
I think we feel hunger for other things -contact from other people, attention.... We crave human contact and we replace it with food or drink or gambling -whatever our "weakness" is... The reverse of that is also true with how we SHOW love. Let me cook for you, bring you a casserole, bake you a cake...
Today for my 2nd grader's Valentine's Day party, I was room mom designate. I brought the treats in -and I brought carrots and grapes. The kids got a smidgeon of candy too but not like the other classrooms that got cupcakes or pizza or donuts. Some of the kids were disappointed at first -but the majority LOVED it. I loved that my own child did not come home so hyped up on sugar that my day was miserable... And it made it possible for me to say yes to the candy from the goody bag. Some of it...
My point? Providing an unexpected treat -is sometimes saying something like -Let's go for a walk and let's go for salad bar or workout or something. Or curl up with me and read -or just sit and talk to me. Or here -have carrots and grapes...
We as a society need to adjust our expectations and try to identify the hungers we have and meet them with the right tools for the job. The tendency to overindulge in one area while being lacking in another is a dangerous loss of balance.... And contagious...
Now I am the first to admit I am fabulous at instigating this for everyone else... Not so much for myself. If I was, now I wouldn't be blogging, would I?
Today... Well, today I went and met... dunh dunh dunh... HER.
The counselor -I went and met her. After a major panic attack in the parking lot I went in to the meeting -and found out I had gotten the time wrong so I started totally insecure and on the defensive. Parr for the course I guess! But she took me in anyway and did a great job of making me feel comfortable and then sneak attacked.
Guess what I found out when I got in there -she was NICE. It was terrible, I actually like her and I think that means I have to go back. She doesn't think I am crazy -(ha! She just doesn't know me well enough yet -we will give her a bit!) and I think she might actually help. Our goals are simple, measureable and realistic.
I think we will see how it goes...
On a side note, HUNGER has been a big thing (imagine that, since I have food issues) and my friend Lynn has been blogging about it, which makes me think about it, which makes it come up more in day to day -kind of funny how that works. Anyway...so I started thinking about how few of us actually know what hungry for food feels like because we are so caught up in the TIMING of eating (breakfast at 7am, lunch at noon, dinner at 6pm) or the social cues ("Meet me for a drink, for lunch, for breakfast, for ice cream, whatever) that we just don't actually feel HUNGER for food.
I think we feel hunger for other things -contact from other people, attention.... We crave human contact and we replace it with food or drink or gambling -whatever our "weakness" is... The reverse of that is also true with how we SHOW love. Let me cook for you, bring you a casserole, bake you a cake...
Today for my 2nd grader's Valentine's Day party, I was room mom designate. I brought the treats in -and I brought carrots and grapes. The kids got a smidgeon of candy too but not like the other classrooms that got cupcakes or pizza or donuts. Some of the kids were disappointed at first -but the majority LOVED it. I loved that my own child did not come home so hyped up on sugar that my day was miserable... And it made it possible for me to say yes to the candy from the goody bag. Some of it...
My point? Providing an unexpected treat -is sometimes saying something like -Let's go for a walk and let's go for salad bar or workout or something. Or curl up with me and read -or just sit and talk to me. Or here -have carrots and grapes...
We as a society need to adjust our expectations and try to identify the hungers we have and meet them with the right tools for the job. The tendency to overindulge in one area while being lacking in another is a dangerous loss of balance.... And contagious...
Now I am the first to admit I am fabulous at instigating this for everyone else... Not so much for myself. If I was, now I wouldn't be blogging, would I?
Friday, February 11, 2011
Don't panic...ADJUST!
I saw the most fabulous bumper sticker today....
DON'T PANIC-ADJUST
This is perfect for me and I am thinking of sticking up little index cards around my house with this in bright colors throughout my house (though my husband might object to the new decor)....
It exemplifies what I don't do well. Well, not true -it exemplifies what I don't do well with my emotions...
I rock a crisis. I am the most amazing project manager -I take a project, break it down, allow for variances and planning, keep communication channels open so everyone is on the same page... And when something goes wrong -I resolve it quickly and cleanly. Picture "The Cleaner" from PULP FICTION. Never ruffled, adapt, adapt, adapt...
But bring me a little ripple in my emotional pond at home and I cannot renegotiate my path. I get mired in the "what does that mean" and "why did he say that". And I get fearful and regretful and repeat in my head the action/conversation/transaction trying to figure out where it went bad and how do I avoid it going bad the next time.
Last night my husband and I introduced our school aged children to the joke of "Pete and repeat were sitting on a fence. Pete fell off, who was left?" The kids kept responding (appropriately of course!) "Repeat". So we would. My oldest, who is almost 10, said finally when I asked again, "the other one". She's a smart cookie...
Yeah, my brain works like first part -stuck on "repeat"... Only worse. I never reach the improvement - "the other one" part where I stop the negative self talk and move past the recriminations and over analyzing. I never seem to learn my lesson.
Why is it that we can tell others all of the wonderful and glorious things about them - the things that make us as humans unique and beautiful and spectacular and God's most amazing creation. But we cannot or will not see it in ourselves?
I'm a Girl Scout leader with a group of amazing girls... I watch them and am eager to help them reach adulthood as strong, courageous, independent and self sufficient women. I know they can do it without me but I am excited about maybe being a kid for a little while with them and going back to the simpler time, before I got such a negative image of myself, and trying a little mulligan (a golf term -it means a do-over)... a do over on improving my self esteem. Having two daughters, I am very aware of not saying the negativity to them - they get enough of that from other kids on the playground - and trying to show them their inner strength. I want to have some of that of my own. Meh, a little fountain of youth maybe?
I wonder if everyone concentrated on being young again and trying to go back and reprogram that part of ourselves that got distorted and distended... Would it be a better, simpler place?
In the meantime... I need to find some markers...and a couple of index cards... I've got some redecorating to do!
DON'T PANIC-ADJUST
This is perfect for me and I am thinking of sticking up little index cards around my house with this in bright colors throughout my house (though my husband might object to the new decor)....
It exemplifies what I don't do well. Well, not true -it exemplifies what I don't do well with my emotions...
I rock a crisis. I am the most amazing project manager -I take a project, break it down, allow for variances and planning, keep communication channels open so everyone is on the same page... And when something goes wrong -I resolve it quickly and cleanly. Picture "The Cleaner" from PULP FICTION. Never ruffled, adapt, adapt, adapt...
But bring me a little ripple in my emotional pond at home and I cannot renegotiate my path. I get mired in the "what does that mean" and "why did he say that". And I get fearful and regretful and repeat in my head the action/conversation/transaction trying to figure out where it went bad and how do I avoid it going bad the next time.
Last night my husband and I introduced our school aged children to the joke of "Pete and repeat were sitting on a fence. Pete fell off, who was left?" The kids kept responding (appropriately of course!) "Repeat". So we would. My oldest, who is almost 10, said finally when I asked again, "the other one". She's a smart cookie...
Yeah, my brain works like first part -stuck on "repeat"... Only worse. I never reach the improvement - "the other one" part where I stop the negative self talk and move past the recriminations and over analyzing. I never seem to learn my lesson.
Why is it that we can tell others all of the wonderful and glorious things about them - the things that make us as humans unique and beautiful and spectacular and God's most amazing creation. But we cannot or will not see it in ourselves?
I'm a Girl Scout leader with a group of amazing girls... I watch them and am eager to help them reach adulthood as strong, courageous, independent and self sufficient women. I know they can do it without me but I am excited about maybe being a kid for a little while with them and going back to the simpler time, before I got such a negative image of myself, and trying a little mulligan (a golf term -it means a do-over)... a do over on improving my self esteem. Having two daughters, I am very aware of not saying the negativity to them - they get enough of that from other kids on the playground - and trying to show them their inner strength. I want to have some of that of my own. Meh, a little fountain of youth maybe?
I wonder if everyone concentrated on being young again and trying to go back and reprogram that part of ourselves that got distorted and distended... Would it be a better, simpler place?
In the meantime... I need to find some markers...and a couple of index cards... I've got some redecorating to do!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
How come one step was so much work?
So after five years in TOPS it occurs to me that I need more direct help than just my TOPS support group can provide -I know the WHAT but not the WHY -so after much soul searching I have decided I need to see a counselor.
Seems like it should have been so easy... but my brain hurts from the hours I spent online pouring over referrals. Let me let you in on a few things.
We have all been there.
The decision making process was two intense days of me going the web and scouring it looking for info -and there is alarmingly very little out there about LCSW and the like... Lots of medical referral sites that list name and address (sadly, few pictures!) but really very little else... I reduced and reduced the list by little bits and steps (I started with 25 -argh!). Choices are not always a good thing.
I opted for a nice, middle of the road type -hope she is like a healthy version of me....
So, that thing fear is back. I had to leave a message.... It was harder than I thought to call -that almighty "unknown" but I KNOW its good for me...
Seems like it should have been so easy... but my brain hurts from the hours I spent online pouring over referrals. Let me let you in on a few things.
- If you are in a "barks and twigs" neighborhood -I'm not going to call you.
- If your website skeeves me out -yeah, I'm not going to call you.
- If your website "profile" sounds like you need more help than I do -nope, not going to call you.
- If you have so many "specialties" that you need a second page, you can't be trusted to concentrate on on helping me.
- If you don't have a picture on your website of YOU, I'm not going to call you. I want to know who is going to end up hearing my innermost secrets - my internal editor started screaming, "BEWARE OF BAIT AND SWITCH." Sorry, until someone reprograms me, the inner voice wins.
We have all been there.
The decision making process was two intense days of me going the web and scouring it looking for info -and there is alarmingly very little out there about LCSW and the like... Lots of medical referral sites that list name and address (sadly, few pictures!) but really very little else... I reduced and reduced the list by little bits and steps (I started with 25 -argh!). Choices are not always a good thing.
I opted for a nice, middle of the road type -hope she is like a healthy version of me....
So, that thing fear is back. I had to leave a message.... It was harder than I thought to call -that almighty "unknown" but I KNOW its good for me...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Fear, baby!
OK, FEAR is a huge motivator for a lot of us. Fear of mice, fear of the number thirteen, fear of flying, fear of failure, fear of looking like a fool and fear of succeeding. Last one kind of threw you a bit, didn't it? Me too when it dawned on me that I fall into that last category a bit...
I think a lot of us don't take risks or make life changes because we are afraid we will succeed at what we were trying and in the long run cause a ruckus in our lives... Many of us are not comfortable with change -in any capacity.
I had a roommate in college and she wrote on our bathroom wall "NO RISK, NO REWARD". What I took from that was that everything in life had a price... It's true -good, bad -it all costs somewhere in your life... Great job -lousy hours? Home life pays... Great home life -often the job is dissatisfying... The deal is balance...
I got this great quote today:
"The big lesson in life, baby, is never be scared of anyone or anything." - Frank Sinatra
And he is Frankie -so he knows what he speaks.
Fear is a stumbling block -an impetus to us succeeding at our best work. Fear CRIPPLES. We often do nothing -because we KNOW the outcome then - nothing changes and we stay the same.
Which brings me to point number two for today....
I got this great shiver when I read this question -
"What would you do if you knew you could NOT fail?"
When I posted it on my Facebook page, I got a few interesting replies -- and the funny thing is, as I was reading them and mentally matching them to the person who replied, I was thinking -why DON'T they do it? I have some brilliant and bright and amazing friends.... And I would be rooting for them in everything they do.... The same way I hope they do for me... And they were not saying things like "cure Cancer". They were saying things like "write, dance, everything". I would tell my friends that starting is in itself success - you are further ahead than you were before you started... Seems simple... harder to buy for myself for some reason...
So combining the thought processes for one and two -I came up with this....
If I fail but enjoy the process, doesn't that count?
Now, here is my thought on this (you knew it was coming)....
I have a hard time walking the walk with TOPS. I have been trying for five years now to lose this infernal weight and I cannot seem to break through the last of it. Due to some amazing support in my TOPS group (LOVE those ladies!!), it came out that I am AFRAID. Lots of reasons I won't bore you with feed the fear, but its fear nevertheless... I have met fabulous people who have been supportive and motivating... and I have met people who are clueless about food addiction and what its like to be "super morbidly obese". I need to find the joy - the excitement that comes from just being alive and out there and not always waiting for the rest of the weight to come back...
I need to get back to enjoying the ride... Five years ago I was afraid to start and now I am afraid to find out why I am not at my goal weight yet. But I am still looking and still trying to get there, in my own way. To me, fear is a dark tunnel -an abyss. And my realization today, after TOPS, was that I am not in the tunnel alone -I have to reach out and find the people who are helping me get down the path I have taken. They are all there if I but ask... And having a hand to hold on to when you enter that deep dark unknown is SO much better than doing it all alone...
That's true for all of us really. The people in your life can assist you with your goals if they are TOLD what they are -share your goal, your objectives. If people are not equipped to help you, they are probably armed to help you find the resources to do so. Do you want to write? START -someone, somewhere, knows how to do it and how to help you get started.... Put it out there -put yourself out there and you might be thrilled to have your life change...
Life is about LIVING not waiting for life to happen, right?
I think a lot of us don't take risks or make life changes because we are afraid we will succeed at what we were trying and in the long run cause a ruckus in our lives... Many of us are not comfortable with change -in any capacity.
I had a roommate in college and she wrote on our bathroom wall "NO RISK, NO REWARD". What I took from that was that everything in life had a price... It's true -good, bad -it all costs somewhere in your life... Great job -lousy hours? Home life pays... Great home life -often the job is dissatisfying... The deal is balance...
I got this great quote today:
"The big lesson in life, baby, is never be scared of anyone or anything." - Frank Sinatra
And he is Frankie -so he knows what he speaks.
Fear is a stumbling block -an impetus to us succeeding at our best work. Fear CRIPPLES. We often do nothing -because we KNOW the outcome then - nothing changes and we stay the same.
Which brings me to point number two for today....
I got this great shiver when I read this question -
"What would you do if you knew you could NOT fail?"
When I posted it on my Facebook page, I got a few interesting replies -- and the funny thing is, as I was reading them and mentally matching them to the person who replied, I was thinking -why DON'T they do it? I have some brilliant and bright and amazing friends.... And I would be rooting for them in everything they do.... The same way I hope they do for me... And they were not saying things like "cure Cancer". They were saying things like "write, dance, everything". I would tell my friends that starting is in itself success - you are further ahead than you were before you started... Seems simple... harder to buy for myself for some reason...
So combining the thought processes for one and two -I came up with this....
If I fail but enjoy the process, doesn't that count?
Now, here is my thought on this (you knew it was coming)....
I have a hard time walking the walk with TOPS. I have been trying for five years now to lose this infernal weight and I cannot seem to break through the last of it. Due to some amazing support in my TOPS group (LOVE those ladies!!), it came out that I am AFRAID. Lots of reasons I won't bore you with feed the fear, but its fear nevertheless... I have met fabulous people who have been supportive and motivating... and I have met people who are clueless about food addiction and what its like to be "super morbidly obese". I need to find the joy - the excitement that comes from just being alive and out there and not always waiting for the rest of the weight to come back...
I need to get back to enjoying the ride... Five years ago I was afraid to start and now I am afraid to find out why I am not at my goal weight yet. But I am still looking and still trying to get there, in my own way. To me, fear is a dark tunnel -an abyss. And my realization today, after TOPS, was that I am not in the tunnel alone -I have to reach out and find the people who are helping me get down the path I have taken. They are all there if I but ask... And having a hand to hold on to when you enter that deep dark unknown is SO much better than doing it all alone...
That's true for all of us really. The people in your life can assist you with your goals if they are TOLD what they are -share your goal, your objectives. If people are not equipped to help you, they are probably armed to help you find the resources to do so. Do you want to write? START -someone, somewhere, knows how to do it and how to help you get started.... Put it out there -put yourself out there and you might be thrilled to have your life change...
Life is about LIVING not waiting for life to happen, right?
Monday, February 7, 2011
Time for a cool change...
OK, so its been a really rough year. A rough year with setbacks and failure to thrive being my primary diet...
And donuts...
This year I got my 100 lb medal with TOPS -I lost over 100 pounds and kept it off for over a year. This was a huge motivating factor for me -I could not wait to achieve the qualification status and when I finally did, I actually blew right past it -missed it by almost two months before I remembered. Funny how that happens.
But then the year following the qualification status was brutal -and now I live in constant fear of losing my status as a Century Club winner... Its a nice medal -but I have left it in my TOPS bag because I feel like it mocks me. Getting sick this past summer set me way back and for the first time in a five year run with TOPS -I gained this year. Not a lot -but still a gain. It was devastating for me.
I told someone recently that a step back is the first step in the cha-cha and I need to remember that. I need to remember that its the cumulative effort not where I am right now. Life was made to be danced through!
It is impossible to explain to someone who has never been "heavy" the thought processes involved in my relationship with food. The new shows like HEAVY on A&E are great at showing that people are flawed and we who qualify as super morbidly obese are addicts -we are not much different than the alcoholics and drug addicts (um, ok, maybe a LOT different than the Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohans of the world) - but the average run of the mill addict? That is us. We have a very twisted relationship with something that is a necessary evil in the world. I think I am still very newly "out" about my food addictions and I will often make jokes about it -but sometimes I am not joking and its my way of saying it out loud and making myself accountable for the action.
I am slowly starting the descent back to the weight I was before I went in the hospital in July of 2010 -274 is the magic number from July I need to see again -- I bumped 300 lbs before I was able to freeze it and get it to go back downward again.... I hate that I am losing the same 25 lbs AGAIN and its harder this time.... And my goal weight is not that far from 274 -so I am not that far from winning this battle...
Stress is a huge factor, I am sure -but we all have stress. I know its how I deal with it and how I process it. So how do I fix it? How do I not internalize all of this stress and not have to "drug" the stress into silence?
I am working very hard on not doing processed foods. I love to cook so as much as possible is from scratch so that I don't have the added sodium and fat from processed food -and it tastes so much better! I am almost completely Diet Coke free (which might be why I am so cranky-my apologies to the poor family!) - I am hearing the repeated statements about no nutritional value and it being bad for me and I am trying to quit...
I don't smoke, I rarely drink... I'm boring :-)
But the exercise -it's a habit I got away from and I can feel it -but I cannot seem to get back to it...
Time to change that habit and get back to the exercise -I need it-my body needs it....
I was reading a friend's blog today and she said she loves to write -which I realize is probably true for lots of us -the difference is -she does it! She's funny and witty - and I've decided I want to be like her when I grow up (never mind I am probably about 10 years older than her). I also think that blogging will help me focus and be accountable -two things I am very weak at... So I am hoping to be more diligent at this blogging thing...
Thanks for reading :-)
And donuts...
This year I got my 100 lb medal with TOPS -I lost over 100 pounds and kept it off for over a year. This was a huge motivating factor for me -I could not wait to achieve the qualification status and when I finally did, I actually blew right past it -missed it by almost two months before I remembered. Funny how that happens.
But then the year following the qualification status was brutal -and now I live in constant fear of losing my status as a Century Club winner... Its a nice medal -but I have left it in my TOPS bag because I feel like it mocks me. Getting sick this past summer set me way back and for the first time in a five year run with TOPS -I gained this year. Not a lot -but still a gain. It was devastating for me.
I told someone recently that a step back is the first step in the cha-cha and I need to remember that. I need to remember that its the cumulative effort not where I am right now. Life was made to be danced through!
It is impossible to explain to someone who has never been "heavy" the thought processes involved in my relationship with food. The new shows like HEAVY on A&E are great at showing that people are flawed and we who qualify as super morbidly obese are addicts -we are not much different than the alcoholics and drug addicts (um, ok, maybe a LOT different than the Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohans of the world) - but the average run of the mill addict? That is us. We have a very twisted relationship with something that is a necessary evil in the world. I think I am still very newly "out" about my food addictions and I will often make jokes about it -but sometimes I am not joking and its my way of saying it out loud and making myself accountable for the action.
I am slowly starting the descent back to the weight I was before I went in the hospital in July of 2010 -274 is the magic number from July I need to see again -- I bumped 300 lbs before I was able to freeze it and get it to go back downward again.... I hate that I am losing the same 25 lbs AGAIN and its harder this time.... And my goal weight is not that far from 274 -so I am not that far from winning this battle...
Stress is a huge factor, I am sure -but we all have stress. I know its how I deal with it and how I process it. So how do I fix it? How do I not internalize all of this stress and not have to "drug" the stress into silence?
I am working very hard on not doing processed foods. I love to cook so as much as possible is from scratch so that I don't have the added sodium and fat from processed food -and it tastes so much better! I am almost completely Diet Coke free (which might be why I am so cranky-my apologies to the poor family!) - I am hearing the repeated statements about no nutritional value and it being bad for me and I am trying to quit...
I don't smoke, I rarely drink... I'm boring :-)
But the exercise -it's a habit I got away from and I can feel it -but I cannot seem to get back to it...
Time to change that habit and get back to the exercise -I need it-my body needs it....
I was reading a friend's blog today and she said she loves to write -which I realize is probably true for lots of us -the difference is -she does it! She's funny and witty - and I've decided I want to be like her when I grow up (never mind I am probably about 10 years older than her). I also think that blogging will help me focus and be accountable -two things I am very weak at... So I am hoping to be more diligent at this blogging thing...
Thanks for reading :-)
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