Time, Time, Time....Look what's become of me!

I have had one of those really bizarre experiences where my life resembles fiction at an alarming rate. I "discovered" a show with Keifer Sutherland called TOUCH - great show, I strongly recommended it -about how there are not really coincidences so much as patterns if we are open to seeing them... And then I got this song stuck in my head... Sadly, I just remembered The Bangles version but it's been done about a million times and it I just love the lyrics... Here is a link to the YouTube video if you want to sing along... LYRICS: Time, time, time, see what's become of me..... Time, time, time, see what's become of me. While I looked around for my possibilities, I was so hard to please. Look around, the leaves are brown, And the sky is a hazy shade of winter. Hear the salvation army band Down by the riverside, it's bound to be a better ride Than what you've got planned, Carry your cup in your hand. Look around you, the leaves are brown now, And the sky is a hazy shade of winter. Hang on to your hopes, my friend. That's an easy thing to say but if your hopes should pass away, It's simply pretend, that you can build them again. Look around, the grass is high, the fields are ripe, It's the springtime of my life. Oh, seasons change with the scenery, Weaving time in a tapestry, Won't you stop and remember me? Look around, the leaves are brown, And the sky is a hazy shade of winter. Look around, the leaves are brown, There's a patch of snow on the ground, Look around, the leaves are brown, There's a patch of snow on the ground, Look around, the leaves are brown, Anyone who knows what an Oregon summer starts like (it looks like fall out there!), knows this is a great summer song! LOL I haven't had the opportunity to blog in a really long time and I have kind of missed it. It's cathartic and so I am going to try and add it back in to the melee which is my life. I actually had someone ask me recently if I still do it. Don't want to let the fans down :-) so here you go... I have been keeping myself really busy but the biggest news on the "weightloss" front is that I have finally been released from physical therapy and have joined a gym to keep trying to get stronger. I love ironies -so how is this -I am not allowed any real "off road" hiking or walking around but I can go to the gym. The gym is how I got hooked on TOUCH, because the awesome gym I go to has WIFI -which means when I am pedaling the stationary bike to nowhere, I am watching my HuluPlus on my iPhone. I have watched the entire first season while either folding laundry or pedaling my heart out. I have moved on to 21 JUMP STREET - don't judge! I have decided that this summer will be a family focused summer, since I messed up last summer so bad -and so far, so good (now mind you, we are only two weeks in!). I have been trying to let the kids dictate a lot of what we do and trying to just keep busy (Last year at this time, I was flat on my back with my knee up-yipes!). And the gym - I am working really hard on trying to get to the gym at least three times a week. I gave up TOPS for the summer to try and not have a lot of "set" things so that I could rest, spend time with the kids and travel a little bit. So the gym plan is for me to gain strength and just be healthier. I am not really working that hard at losing weight but gaining muscle and strength. Best part? It's working! I have been going to the gym since May and have tightened my legs up, my arms are getting definition and I can feel my ribs -woohoo! Now, I am not losing tons of weight yet (only about 2 lbs) but I feel so much better, and really, that is so much more important to me than just losing the weight. Someone asked me if I was going to have a "tummy tuck" since I have lost all this weight and I have all this loose saggy skin. Would it be weird to say I am not excited by the concepts of major surgery on my abdomen? Plus, all that extra room makes the swelling from abdominal HAE attacks less painful... so not right now, folks! So, back to the TOUCH reference -all these things in my life seem to be connected in peripheral ways that I had not noticed before. I find myself sitting back and waiting instead of reacting more, to see how it comes out and allowing activities to play out before I intercede, which is helping my stress level immensely. Much like Jake, in TOUCH, I am not very effectual at communicating, at least not about myself. I think I am "talking" to people but they don't seem to understand me, so I have begun waiting more and seeing if it is to be -maybe more faith than force, I guess... But boy, make it about something I am passionate about OTHER than me, and I can scald you with the heat of my convictions. Boy, that is not a self esteem issue or anything, is it? Sheesh, that one is a huge red flag! LOL A few random ramblings.... I like when Facebook recommends I friend someone I don't particularly care for because we have friends in common -especially when I did not realize that the two "friends" know each other.... I have to admit that it is a bit of pressure to think, "Hmm, so and so likes this person, should I friend them?" Why is it that websites for groups that require annual membership have to be so cumbersome to re-enroll? Obviously if I am re-enrolling I am still involved and interested. I have not changed my birthdate, my gender or my racial profile. Sheesh, just re-enroll me already! My life is a series of Murphy's Law encounters. Example a) I just managed to get a very convoluted web of prior approvals and guidelines established with my health insurance company - when we changed insurance companies... I can't remember the last time I had french toast -but I know that it about 7 hours, I will be having it for breakfast and I cannot wait! What is the magic age children stop bickering? I am too old to remember and certainly too old to wait for my kids to stop. Duct tape is looking good... My ears would appreciate the break... Anyway -I should not blog when I haven't slept, I babble and think only of pot-stirrer topics.... I will be back again soon, I promise.

Sometimes it is what you don't say...

Tonight my family and I went to a local kids pizza restaurant for dinner.  We had a great seat, in front of a bank of windows, sunlight streaming in...  Really nice...  I got up to get a drink refill and passed a man and woman bickering in the lobby.  Woman was nagging at the man about not being at her house when he was supposed to be.  Man was telling her to get out of his face in a not very pleasant manner.  A few minutes later, the woman and the man left the restaurant.  The bickering continued into the parking lot, right outside our beautiful sun-dappled table and my three young children.  Seconds later, the man began beating the woman about the head and shoulders.  I was absolutely floored!  I told my husband and just as we were going to call 911, two other men in the parking lot called 911 and interceded in the fight.

The fight ended up out of sight of the restaurant, and I got to explain to my children why hitting a woman, hitting ANYONE, is against the law.  No, it's not just morally wrong but LEGALLY wrong.  Later the woman was standing alone in the parking lot, outside our window again.  I wondered if she was waiting for her attacker or someone else because she did not seem at all phased or altered by what she had gone through.  I got the feeling it wasn't the first time -nor would it be the last.

I did find an upside to the whole event -two of them actually....  I am from California where rioters beat a man they dragged from a semi truck because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I am so grateful to be living in a community where people get involved and recognize that it is empowering to help each other.  Secondly, I am grateful that I have children who were appalled and willing to discuss it with their parents and to share their opinions and their fears.

And I am hoping they apply those lessons they learned when they see bullies of any age taking advantage of someone else.

It's a brand new morning!

And a lot of things happened last night after I posted.

For one thing, the State Report the eldest child was working on is finished -and submitted.  The scepter which has been hanging over our heads since September is done and out the door.  Thank the good Lord and a hot glue gun.

Secondly, I did the good mom thing and made homemade spaghetti and meatballs FROM SCRATCH for the rugrats and hubby for dinner -and it was so yummy!  So in exchange, he cleaned up and I got to finish my book....literally just in time for book club, which was my other reward last night.

I like having a reward that makes me feel smart.  We were reading THE BOOK THIEF this month and due to the kabillion things on my plate, I was not getting the reading done.  I haven't even been reading the paper!  But I got it finished just in time....  but that is not what made it a reward.

Yesterday I posted about how...UGH I felt.  When one of my fellow book fans walked in she said, "I read your blog.  My first thought was you needed a hug."  Yeah, probably very true... so after discussing this very intense book about words (read it -you will understand) and having a great snack, we are getting ready to leave -she hugged me.  Not one of those polite, aren't I nice hugs...a nice, firm, compassionate hug.  And even now I am tearing up thinking how special that made me feel and how I know that just for a minute, she saw my heart and shared hers.  And since I know she reads my blog (*big smile here*) - I want her to know that she should be one of the ones who sits up -because her soul is very light...  I am eternally grateful for the extension of friendship at an otherwise weak moment....

So we hauled in the state report, there is laundry in the machine, the dishwasher running, I got a sensibility reboot and it's now Friday -a busy weekend but still Friday...  I woke up another day and am off to begin another book with book club.  Ironically, CIRCLE OF FRIENDS.

Nice how a new day can give you a new perspective....

I'm in a sand-kicking kind of mood...

I am in a sand kicking kind of mood -- you know what I mean, right?  The kind where you hang your head and grumble under your breath repeatedly about everything and everyone that is wrong in your life.  I think it would even be safe to say I am in a sand castle kicking kind of mood.  And maybe some stomping and screeching.....  Oh yeah, I did that this morning...

My life in the last couple of weeks has gotten insanely busy -more busy than usual.  My sanity is paying the price -as is my house.  Thank God last month I hosted book club or I would not have any idea the last time I actually swept or cleaned...  But I can actually tell you, to the day...

Anyway..  I have had a hard couple of weeks both with the whole weight loss thing (NOT going well at all!) and just trying to keep my patience and my tolerance level in place.  My weight is yo-yoing up six pounds, down five pounds, up six pounds, down five pounds.  If you are averaging it out in your head, yeah -I am gaining weight again...

Why is it that the two things seems to go so hand in hand for me?  No doubt the nice lady who charges by the hour has lots of answers for me -but we are not yet on a regular schedule and I am left guessing...

I seem to be spending a lot of time lately thinking about my shortcomings, which depresses me even more - perhaps because its tax time and seeing all the money we brought in and feeling as if we have little to show for it is contributing to that feeling -I just don't know... 

The shortcomings seemed like they were in technicolor in yesterday's deposition.  Nothing like hearing all of your car accidents and injuries read in to the "official" record.  Depressing...

My life is a lot of NO right now because other things are taking precedence.  I have not taken on any new responsibilities -but the current ones are all scheduled around the same time.  I am trying to meet everyone else's priorities and I selfishly wonder - am I anyone's priority?  I feel a bit petty saying that, but seriously -I look at my day and how much of it is spent doing what everyone else needs - whether its laundry, groceries, bills, taxes, volunteering at school, etc...    And the answer is simple -all of it right now....  Then the question gets complicated again -because would I want it different?

I blame that reflection on Dr. Seuss - his birthday was yesterday and the greatest post came up on TWITTER - "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." Dr. Seuss

And he wrote children's books -so he knows.

Then it occurs to me -that when I stop and think about my priorities -being wife and mom comes first and the vast majority of what I do comes back to those two roles.  Now, somewhere I failed miserably in keeping "CRIS" part of the equation.  I surrendered my personal identity for a blanket identity -and I'm not sure how I feel about that now.    And I am not sure how I go about getting it back, if I want it back. 

Sadly, I now have a TOBY KEITH song in my head....  Go figure...It goes a little somethhing like, "It's all about me, all about mine, all about #1."  Ugh!

So in the meantime, I am going to go look for sand and kick some more....  Oh, nope -no time for that!  Have to be in the classroom today...