Time for a cool change...

OK, so its been a really rough year. A rough year with setbacks and failure to thrive being my primary diet...

And donuts...

This year I got my 100 lb medal with TOPS -I lost over 100 pounds and kept it off for over a year. This was a huge motivating factor for me -I could not wait to achieve the qualification status and when I finally did, I actually blew right past it -missed it by almost two months before I remembered. Funny how that happens.

But then the year following the qualification status was brutal -and now I live in constant fear of losing my status as a Century Club winner... Its a nice medal -but I have left it in my TOPS bag because I feel like it mocks me. Getting sick this past summer set me way back and for the first time in a five year run with TOPS -I gained this year. Not a lot -but still a gain. It was devastating for me.

I told someone recently that a step back is the first step in the cha-cha and I need to remember that. I need to remember that its the cumulative effort not where I am right now. Life was made to be danced through!

It is impossible to explain to someone who has never been "heavy" the thought processes involved in my relationship with food. The new shows like HEAVY on A&E are great at showing that people are flawed and we who qualify as super morbidly obese are addicts -we are not much different than the alcoholics and drug addicts (um, ok, maybe a LOT different than the Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohans of the world) - but the average run of the mill addict? That is us. We have a very twisted relationship with something that is a necessary evil in the world. I think I am still very newly "out" about my food addictions and I will often make jokes about it -but sometimes I am not joking and its my way of saying it out loud and making myself accountable for the action.

I am slowly starting the descent back to the weight I was before I went in the hospital in July of 2010 -274 is the magic number from July I need to see again -- I bumped 300 lbs before I was able to freeze it and get it to go back downward again.... I hate that I am losing the same 25 lbs AGAIN and its harder this time.... And my goal weight is not that far from 274 -so I am not that far from winning this battle...

Stress is a huge factor, I am sure -but we all have stress. I know its how I deal with it and how I process it. So how do I fix it? How do I not internalize all of this stress and not have to "drug" the stress into silence?

I am working very hard on not doing processed foods. I love to cook so as much as possible is from scratch so that I don't have the added sodium and fat from processed food -and it tastes so much better! I am almost completely Diet Coke free (which might be why I am so cranky-my apologies to the poor family!) - I am hearing the repeated statements about no nutritional value and it being bad for me and I am trying to quit...

I don't smoke, I rarely drink... I'm boring :-)

But the exercise -it's a habit I got away from and I can feel it -but I cannot seem to get back to it...

Time to change that habit and get back to the exercise -I need it-my body needs it....

I was reading a friend's blog today and she said she loves to write -which I realize is probably true for lots of us -the difference is -she does it! She's funny and witty - and I've decided I want to be like her when I grow up (never mind I am probably about 10 years older than her). I also think that blogging will help me focus and be accountable -two things I am very weak at... So I am hoping to be more diligent at this blogging thing...

Thanks for reading :-)