Life, love and Depeche Mode

Life has been kind of crazy lately.  Let me share some snippets of my crazy with you....

Unfortunately, last Tuesday I had the misfortune of having another Angioedema attack.  Its the first time since last June that I have had one, but still -not a nice way to wake up at 430am on a Tuesday...  Angioedema is a strange beast.  I have it in my gastrointestinal track so my intensines swell up and I get fluid in my abdomen.  Its ugly painful.  I would rather go through labor without benefit of pain killers...

This time, we got a hold of the doc first thing and got seen then scheduled for a transfusion of fresh frozen plasma...  Doesn't hurt, shortened the intensity and the duration -hey, WIN-WIN!  Except...   Now, I can't donate blood for a year.  And I am occasionally waking up with weird thoughts.  Can I blame them on the "donor" who gave me their plasma?  If I wandered around telling people my weird thoughts, could I eventually figure out my donor?  Uhm, would I want to?

I got called by the Red Cross a few days after the transfusion to get me to participate in a blood drive.  Prior to all of this, donating blood was a huge milestone for me.  I have been donating since my early 20s.  But I got way too fat to donate at the mobile drives and then was too anemic after the birth of my son in 2005 to donate.  Eventually, my weight was down and the anemia was better and I began donating as frequently as I can.  Anyway, I asked the caller if  I was eligible to donate after the transfusion and the volunteer said, "Well, its not a blood product."  Um, yeah - it most definitely IS!  I got asked by a guy at the bank who made the plasma.  My response?  "Um, pretty sure it was God."  I am feeling particularly snarky since the transfusion -must mean I am feeling better...  Or something was mixed in... or my donor was on some other med that is passing through the blood stream.  Yeah, that's it...  And I don't know why but I kept thinking of the movie PET SEMETARY while I got the transfusion....

The other downside of the whole attack thing is that I become a finicky eater and I am exhausted.  Which brings me to major bad news of the week for me...  I hit the 300 lbs mark again at my TOPS weigh in.  Dang it.  I just bumped right into it, but still - the finicky eating and the lack of energy just means I am in no way interested in working out.  I am also not interested in laundry, naughty cats or children who don't finish their homework when they say they did, but that is not related to the attack, unless its true that stress triggers the attacks, in which case -HOOK UP THE PLASMA IV now!  But the finicky eating -body thinks it won't get food again and shuts down...  Argh.  My life is a see-saw. 

I am not happy to see 300 again.  I am not sure who was more bummed, me or our weight recorder, who just kept saying, "I'm sorry".  Me too, but I ate my way here, it will have to be me who sends that hideous number into the past...  I was hoping it was never in my future...  And I guess its not -its my present.  Time for a reboot of the mental system.  It would help if this infernal rain would stop.  I appreciate the green result, but yipes.  We get one gorgeous (but cold) day and then rain -again.  I think the exhaustion I feel is some bizarre sense of depression.  Definitely need some sun...  and to win the lottery...And I am going to try to make sure that next Tuesday's weigh in does not let me see 300 again...  I hate that number. 

My children have all had their birthdays for the year -whew.  Them getting older means I am older too.  And borrowing their headbands means you can see the grey to prove it...  On principal, I am refusing to dye my hair.   I think the grey hairs should be looked at as badges, showing how much I have invested in my family.  Besides, I tried once to color them and the dye never worked...  Why waste my time?

My poor husband -I asked him once why he doesn't do the romantic overtures he did when we were dating and he said, "Why?  We're already married."  True.  I still do romantic things for him -I think - but I have grey hair, rarely shave my legs, live in my sweats and I am tired all the time.  Oh, and I don't save the snarky just for my blog.  Who do you think gets the better deal?  I am guessing it depends on the day....

So what does all this ranting and weird stuff have to do with Depeche Mode (I will assume you all know who they are)?

They sing a song called "Blasphemous Rumours".  This wonderful song, is the soundtrack to my life...

Listen to Depeche Mode here -with lyrics

I think if you don't look at your life with a little humor, you are going to be in a padded room, wearing a nice coat with the sleeves in the back -and then you have lost more than just your mind, you have lost everything....

I'm in a sand-kicking kind of mood...

I am in a sand kicking kind of mood -- you know what I mean, right?  The kind where you hang your head and grumble under your breath repeatedly about everything and everyone that is wrong in your life.  I think it would even be safe to say I am in a sand castle kicking kind of mood.  And maybe some stomping and screeching.....  Oh yeah, I did that this morning...

My life in the last couple of weeks has gotten insanely busy -more busy than usual.  My sanity is paying the price -as is my house.  Thank God last month I hosted book club or I would not have any idea the last time I actually swept or cleaned...  But I can actually tell you, to the day...

Anyway..  I have had a hard couple of weeks both with the whole weight loss thing (NOT going well at all!) and just trying to keep my patience and my tolerance level in place.  My weight is yo-yoing up six pounds, down five pounds, up six pounds, down five pounds.  If you are averaging it out in your head, yeah -I am gaining weight again...

Why is it that the two things seems to go so hand in hand for me?  No doubt the nice lady who charges by the hour has lots of answers for me -but we are not yet on a regular schedule and I am left guessing...

I seem to be spending a lot of time lately thinking about my shortcomings, which depresses me even more - perhaps because its tax time and seeing all the money we brought in and feeling as if we have little to show for it is contributing to that feeling -I just don't know... 

The shortcomings seemed like they were in technicolor in yesterday's deposition.  Nothing like hearing all of your car accidents and injuries read in to the "official" record.  Depressing...

My life is a lot of NO right now because other things are taking precedence.  I have not taken on any new responsibilities -but the current ones are all scheduled around the same time.  I am trying to meet everyone else's priorities and I selfishly wonder - am I anyone's priority?  I feel a bit petty saying that, but seriously -I look at my day and how much of it is spent doing what everyone else needs - whether its laundry, groceries, bills, taxes, volunteering at school, etc...    And the answer is simple -all of it right now....  Then the question gets complicated again -because would I want it different?

I blame that reflection on Dr. Seuss - his birthday was yesterday and the greatest post came up on TWITTER - "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." Dr. Seuss

And he wrote children's books -so he knows.

Then it occurs to me -that when I stop and think about my priorities -being wife and mom comes first and the vast majority of what I do comes back to those two roles.  Now, somewhere I failed miserably in keeping "CRIS" part of the equation.  I surrendered my personal identity for a blanket identity -and I'm not sure how I feel about that now.    And I am not sure how I go about getting it back, if I want it back. 

Sadly, I now have a TOBY KEITH song in my head....  Go figure...It goes a little somethhing like, "It's all about me, all about mine, all about #1."  Ugh!

So in the meantime, I am going to go look for sand and kick some more....  Oh, nope -no time for that!  Have to be in the classroom today...