I am in a sand kicking kind of mood -- you know what I mean, right? The kind where you hang your head and grumble under your breath repeatedly about everything and everyone that is wrong in your life. I think it would even be safe to say I am in a sand castle kicking kind of mood. And maybe some stomping and screeching..... Oh yeah, I did that this morning...
My life in the last couple of weeks has gotten insanely busy -more busy than usual. My sanity is paying the price -as is my house. Thank God last month I hosted book club or I would not have any idea the last time I actually swept or cleaned... But I can actually tell you, to the day...
Anyway.. I have had a hard couple of weeks both with the whole weight loss thing (NOT going well at all!) and just trying to keep my patience and my tolerance level in place. My weight is yo-yoing up six pounds, down five pounds, up six pounds, down five pounds. If you are averaging it out in your head, yeah -I am gaining weight again...
Why is it that the two things seems to go so hand in hand for me? No doubt the nice lady who charges by the hour has lots of answers for me -but we are not yet on a regular schedule and I am left guessing...
I seem to be spending a lot of time lately thinking about my shortcomings, which depresses me even more - perhaps because its tax time and seeing all the money we brought in and feeling as if we have little to show for it is contributing to that feeling -I just don't know...
The shortcomings seemed like they were in technicolor in yesterday's deposition. Nothing like hearing all of your car accidents and injuries read in to the "official" record. Depressing...
My life is a lot of NO right now because other things are taking precedence. I have not taken on any new responsibilities -but the current ones are all scheduled around the same time. I am trying to meet everyone else's priorities and I selfishly wonder - am I anyone's priority? I feel a bit petty saying that, but seriously -I look at my day and how much of it is spent doing what everyone else needs - whether its laundry, groceries, bills, taxes, volunteering at school, etc... And the answer is simple -all of it right now.... Then the question gets complicated again -because would I want it different?
I blame that reflection on Dr. Seuss - his birthday was yesterday and the greatest post came up on TWITTER - "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." Dr. Seuss
And he wrote children's books -so he knows.
Then it occurs to me -that when I stop and think about my priorities -being wife and mom comes first and the vast majority of what I do comes back to those two roles. Now, somewhere I failed miserably in keeping "CRIS" part of the equation. I surrendered my personal identity for a blanket identity -and I'm not sure how I feel about that now. And I am not sure how I go about getting it back, if I want it back.
Sadly, I now have a TOBY KEITH song in my head.... Go figure...It goes a little somethhing like, "It's all about me, all about mine, all about #1." Ugh!
So in the meantime, I am going to go look for sand and kick some more.... Oh, nope -no time for that! Have to be in the classroom today...
In the immortal words of Dory, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, what do we do? We swim, swim!" I don't know why this has to be the busiest time of year, but somehow it is and I feel your pain. You are an inspiring woman and a great mom, and you'll get yourself back one of these days! (and I think a weekend retreat is definitely a must!)
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