I will never ever underestimate myself again.... I hope!

OK, so sometimes, when I am weak and caught unaware, I underestimate how klutzy and ridiculous I really am...

On June 4, I fell in the street at a neighborhood garage sale.  I did not think it was all that bad.  There was a lot of blood and it looked gross, but I figured it was cosmetic damage and just usual klutzy behavior.  And because I am the mommy, I totally sucked it up, minimized the pain and got going -even tried to keep shopping the yard sales so my kids would not freak out.  No one else does that, do they?

Because my life is all about the timing, I have to point out that I fell the exact same day my husband of 12 years left for a week long business trip that had been planned for over a year....  Yeah, this was going to go well....

Eventually I had to stop the flow of blood and the questions of the people in the community yard sale who were GREATLY concerned about the amount of blood I was leaving behind...  I couldn't get the bleeding to stop.  As a result, me and my three ducklings headed home for antiseptic, soap and water and massive ice packs....

Turns out, Mama don't know diddly about cuts and scrapes!  I did not go to the emergency room or urgent care until the next morning when I couldn't stand up without pain.  Went to the Urgent Care where they x-rayed the knee and said all was fine except for some bone bruising, I needed stitches but it was too late to get them, I was not to drive and I needed to be on crutches.  Whuck?  Did I mention I drove myself to the Urgent Care?  Yeah, I got a lecture for that and for refusing pain meds but anyone who knows me knows I don't like them anyway.... and no way in Topeka was I going to take them when I was supposed to be the "responsible one" in the house with hubby all the way on the right coast for a week....  the bleeding did not stop for three weeks....

Well, its now almost 6 weeks later (just two days shy).  I have since discovered that bone contusions are gross and beyond painful.  When you have cuts that require stitches and you don't get them, odds are good you will get a NASTY infection (yes, I did!).  And I have learned that pain killers can be a good thing....  and I have learned I am not a patient person and I am not good at having everyone else take care of me.  I must be insufferable right about now!  I know I am not enjoying my own company at all... I hate crutches and I hate spending most of every day flat on my back with my leg above my hip.

My 10 year old cooked the entire time my hubby was out of town.  It was not five star meals, but it was balanced, cooked properly and truthfully, kept mommy from losing her marbles or living off of delivery pizza.  When hubby returned, he commandeered cooking duties with the 10 year old's help and they are a pretty great team.  I don't starve, the food is edible and believe it or not, I have lost weight on bedrest.  Yeah, I'm pretty shocked out of my bobby socks on that one too....

As much as there is a lot to dislike, there is so much to be grateful for and so much to be overwhelmed by -in the GOOD way.  No one knows how much longer I am down for the count, but every day I am so eternally grateful for the little things -that are really so much bigger than the givers realize.  Things....

• like the friend who hauls my cookies, wheelchair and all, to hither and yon to get me out of the house.   Then turns around for a trip that includes ALL of my kids!
• like the friend who kidnapped my kids for bowling, dinner and a park play date.  It gave them a much needed taste of summer, me a couple of hours of not feeling like an invalid and hubby and I date night.
• like the friends who sponsored a 4th of July BBQ and then made amazing concessions to the gimp.
• like the friend who literally gave me her TV.  Who cares if you are traveling -most people would not do that.
• like the friend who made us a cake, brought me magazines and sat for a visit even though she is in more pain than me.
• like the friends who work at a certain doctor's office who told me how I could expedite insurance and doctors and digital imaging and helped me not to lose my mind waiting for all of the red tape.

There are so many more...  the phone calls, the books, tons of things people have done to make me feel like I am still a part of the world outside my bedroom walls.  And all of the prayers....  That in itself is amazing to me....

Tomorrow is a big day for our house.  We go see the orthopedist -a knee specialist.  The MRI shows a fissure (a crack) in the knee cap.  May not be anything but so much of our life right now is a waiting game...  So many questions unanswered and so many things we want to know that we are getting cross eyed waiting...  

And my kids would like their summer back....

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life.  - Buddha

Sounds pretty simple doesn't it?  Be present in the moment.  But it's not.  We all travel with so much baggage these days and we hold on to everything.  I bet, if we checked, hoarding is on the rise in both physical possesions and emotional possessions.  I am guilty of it, certainly.  I cannot forget the past and try and carry everything along with me.  But if I can learn to let go, leave the harmful, nasty stuff behind, I will have open arms for the glorious and beautiful and not be clutching the negative, detrimental stuff so close.

I think we have to let go sometimes and leave the stuff behind.  I watch my kids sometimes when they set the table for dinner.  They try and carry too much and inevitably, something gets broke.

Happens with people too.  If I try and do too much for my family and I don't slow down and ask for help where I can, will I get broke?  Or am I already?  If I keep creating my future by relying on information and experiences from the past, that were with OTHER people, I am creating a disappointing and self fulfilling prophecy of my life.  Life is a one shot deal and it's our responsibility to make it our best one possible. 

By the way...they are real and they are SPECTACULAR!

OK, so they are real, and maybe they are not spectacular but they are mine....

Get your mind out of the gutter.  Yes, that was a veiled reference to Seinfeld...

I am talking about my fears...  I have had this mental block about getting back into my exercise routing.  I used to be so committed to it... and then I got sick and out of the habit and then there was this huge wall around me getting back on the treadmill.  I would think about it and go to bed with every intention of getting back in the swing of it the next morning.... then morning chaos would ensue and I would once again push my needs to the wayside and avoid working out.

I would spend hours, days even agonizing over why I did this self sabotage.  I would analyze and speculate and dig through my psyche bemoaning this failure I was committing.  It never occurred to me that I was perpetuating it by thinking about it.  Sadly, I don't consider myself a great thinker...  So why would I even consider I was overthinking things, and perpetuating my work out avoidance?  I kept telling myself I was "trying" and for some reason I just could not seem to do it and I was frustrated.

I wasn't trying though.  I was continuing to NOT do something.  And I was trying to figure out WHY I could not do it.  Um, DUH!?  Because I was not getting up, I was not getting on the treadmill.  I was NOT, so I COULD NOT.  As it was so eloquently put, I did not need to THINK about this, I needed to DO this.  See, that's why they get paid by the hour....

This morning, for the first time in months, I got on the treadmill.  It was awkward and weird and wonderful.  I did two miles in 38 minutes -at a 3 incline.  My body remembers how good it used to feel and I found myself not so sluggish.  How did this miracle occur?

I told someone to hold me responsible.  I asked my husband to wake me up.  The irony is he usually does anyway with the noise he makes but I usually try and tune it out to go back to sleep.  But today, he simply said, "Honey, you wanted me to wake you up to work out."  I got up, dressed and on the treadmill.

Seems so easy now....

Hope it feels that way in the morning.  And hope all of my self resistance can be undone that easily.

In my mind, that's why it takes a village -sometimes, that first step is so difficult to do alone.