Love has so many facets to it -and not the least of which is loving yourself. I wonder if that is why all of my major life changes consists of events surrounding Valentine's Day... My last big step was five years ago when I joined TOPS. Oscar Wilde said, "To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." He would know...
Today... Well, today I went and met... dunh dunh dunh... HER.
The counselor -I went and met her. After a major panic attack in the parking lot I went in to the meeting -and found out I had gotten the time wrong so I started totally insecure and on the defensive. Parr for the course I guess! But she took me in anyway and did a great job of making me feel comfortable and then sneak attacked.
Guess what I found out when I got in there -she was NICE. It was terrible, I actually like her and I think that means I have to go back. She doesn't think I am crazy -(ha! She just doesn't know me well enough yet -we will give her a bit!) and I think she might actually help. Our goals are simple, measureable and realistic.
I think we will see how it goes...
On a side note, HUNGER has been a big thing (imagine that, since I have food issues) and my friend Lynn has been blogging about it, which makes me think about it, which makes it come up more in day to day -kind of funny how that works. Anyway...so I started thinking about how few of us actually know what hungry for food feels like because we are so caught up in the TIMING of eating (breakfast at 7am, lunch at noon, dinner at 6pm) or the social cues ("Meet me for a drink, for lunch, for breakfast, for ice cream, whatever) that we just don't actually feel HUNGER for food.
I think we feel hunger for other things -contact from other people, attention.... We crave human contact and we replace it with food or drink or gambling -whatever our "weakness" is... The reverse of that is also true with how we SHOW love. Let me cook for you, bring you a casserole, bake you a cake...
Today for my 2nd grader's Valentine's Day party, I was room mom designate. I brought the treats in -and I brought carrots and grapes. The kids got a smidgeon of candy too but not like the other classrooms that got cupcakes or pizza or donuts. Some of the kids were disappointed at first -but the majority LOVED it. I loved that my own child did not come home so hyped up on sugar that my day was miserable... And it made it possible for me to say yes to the candy from the goody bag. Some of it...
My point? Providing an unexpected treat -is sometimes saying something like -Let's go for a walk and let's go for salad bar or workout or something. Or curl up with me and read -or just sit and talk to me. Or here -have carrots and grapes...
We as a society need to adjust our expectations and try to identify the hungers we have and meet them with the right tools for the job. The tendency to overindulge in one area while being lacking in another is a dangerous loss of balance.... And contagious...
Now I am the first to admit I am fabulous at instigating this for everyone else... Not so much for myself. If I was, now I wouldn't be blogging, would I?
Monday, February 14, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Don't panic...ADJUST!
I saw the most fabulous bumper sticker today....
DON'T PANIC-ADJUST
This is perfect for me and I am thinking of sticking up little index cards around my house with this in bright colors throughout my house (though my husband might object to the new decor)....
It exemplifies what I don't do well. Well, not true -it exemplifies what I don't do well with my emotions...
I rock a crisis. I am the most amazing project manager -I take a project, break it down, allow for variances and planning, keep communication channels open so everyone is on the same page... And when something goes wrong -I resolve it quickly and cleanly. Picture "The Cleaner" from PULP FICTION. Never ruffled, adapt, adapt, adapt...
But bring me a little ripple in my emotional pond at home and I cannot renegotiate my path. I get mired in the "what does that mean" and "why did he say that". And I get fearful and regretful and repeat in my head the action/conversation/transaction trying to figure out where it went bad and how do I avoid it going bad the next time.
Last night my husband and I introduced our school aged children to the joke of "Pete and repeat were sitting on a fence. Pete fell off, who was left?" The kids kept responding (appropriately of course!) "Repeat". So we would. My oldest, who is almost 10, said finally when I asked again, "the other one". She's a smart cookie...
Yeah, my brain works like first part -stuck on "repeat"... Only worse. I never reach the improvement - "the other one" part where I stop the negative self talk and move past the recriminations and over analyzing. I never seem to learn my lesson.
Why is it that we can tell others all of the wonderful and glorious things about them - the things that make us as humans unique and beautiful and spectacular and God's most amazing creation. But we cannot or will not see it in ourselves?
I'm a Girl Scout leader with a group of amazing girls... I watch them and am eager to help them reach adulthood as strong, courageous, independent and self sufficient women. I know they can do it without me but I am excited about maybe being a kid for a little while with them and going back to the simpler time, before I got such a negative image of myself, and trying a little mulligan (a golf term -it means a do-over)... a do over on improving my self esteem. Having two daughters, I am very aware of not saying the negativity to them - they get enough of that from other kids on the playground - and trying to show them their inner strength. I want to have some of that of my own. Meh, a little fountain of youth maybe?
I wonder if everyone concentrated on being young again and trying to go back and reprogram that part of ourselves that got distorted and distended... Would it be a better, simpler place?
In the meantime... I need to find some markers...and a couple of index cards... I've got some redecorating to do!
DON'T PANIC-ADJUST
This is perfect for me and I am thinking of sticking up little index cards around my house with this in bright colors throughout my house (though my husband might object to the new decor)....
It exemplifies what I don't do well. Well, not true -it exemplifies what I don't do well with my emotions...
I rock a crisis. I am the most amazing project manager -I take a project, break it down, allow for variances and planning, keep communication channels open so everyone is on the same page... And when something goes wrong -I resolve it quickly and cleanly. Picture "The Cleaner" from PULP FICTION. Never ruffled, adapt, adapt, adapt...
But bring me a little ripple in my emotional pond at home and I cannot renegotiate my path. I get mired in the "what does that mean" and "why did he say that". And I get fearful and regretful and repeat in my head the action/conversation/transaction trying to figure out where it went bad and how do I avoid it going bad the next time.
Last night my husband and I introduced our school aged children to the joke of "Pete and repeat were sitting on a fence. Pete fell off, who was left?" The kids kept responding (appropriately of course!) "Repeat". So we would. My oldest, who is almost 10, said finally when I asked again, "the other one". She's a smart cookie...
Yeah, my brain works like first part -stuck on "repeat"... Only worse. I never reach the improvement - "the other one" part where I stop the negative self talk and move past the recriminations and over analyzing. I never seem to learn my lesson.
Why is it that we can tell others all of the wonderful and glorious things about them - the things that make us as humans unique and beautiful and spectacular and God's most amazing creation. But we cannot or will not see it in ourselves?
I'm a Girl Scout leader with a group of amazing girls... I watch them and am eager to help them reach adulthood as strong, courageous, independent and self sufficient women. I know they can do it without me but I am excited about maybe being a kid for a little while with them and going back to the simpler time, before I got such a negative image of myself, and trying a little mulligan (a golf term -it means a do-over)... a do over on improving my self esteem. Having two daughters, I am very aware of not saying the negativity to them - they get enough of that from other kids on the playground - and trying to show them their inner strength. I want to have some of that of my own. Meh, a little fountain of youth maybe?
I wonder if everyone concentrated on being young again and trying to go back and reprogram that part of ourselves that got distorted and distended... Would it be a better, simpler place?
In the meantime... I need to find some markers...and a couple of index cards... I've got some redecorating to do!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
How come one step was so much work?
So after five years in TOPS it occurs to me that I need more direct help than just my TOPS support group can provide -I know the WHAT but not the WHY -so after much soul searching I have decided I need to see a counselor.
Seems like it should have been so easy... but my brain hurts from the hours I spent online pouring over referrals. Let me let you in on a few things.
We have all been there.
The decision making process was two intense days of me going the web and scouring it looking for info -and there is alarmingly very little out there about LCSW and the like... Lots of medical referral sites that list name and address (sadly, few pictures!) but really very little else... I reduced and reduced the list by little bits and steps (I started with 25 -argh!). Choices are not always a good thing.
I opted for a nice, middle of the road type -hope she is like a healthy version of me....
So, that thing fear is back. I had to leave a message.... It was harder than I thought to call -that almighty "unknown" but I KNOW its good for me...
Seems like it should have been so easy... but my brain hurts from the hours I spent online pouring over referrals. Let me let you in on a few things.
- If you are in a "barks and twigs" neighborhood -I'm not going to call you.
- If your website skeeves me out -yeah, I'm not going to call you.
- If your website "profile" sounds like you need more help than I do -nope, not going to call you.
- If you have so many "specialties" that you need a second page, you can't be trusted to concentrate on on helping me.
- If you don't have a picture on your website of YOU, I'm not going to call you. I want to know who is going to end up hearing my innermost secrets - my internal editor started screaming, "BEWARE OF BAIT AND SWITCH." Sorry, until someone reprograms me, the inner voice wins.
We have all been there.
The decision making process was two intense days of me going the web and scouring it looking for info -and there is alarmingly very little out there about LCSW and the like... Lots of medical referral sites that list name and address (sadly, few pictures!) but really very little else... I reduced and reduced the list by little bits and steps (I started with 25 -argh!). Choices are not always a good thing.
I opted for a nice, middle of the road type -hope she is like a healthy version of me....
So, that thing fear is back. I had to leave a message.... It was harder than I thought to call -that almighty "unknown" but I KNOW its good for me...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Fear, baby!
OK, FEAR is a huge motivator for a lot of us. Fear of mice, fear of the number thirteen, fear of flying, fear of failure, fear of looking like a fool and fear of succeeding. Last one kind of threw you a bit, didn't it? Me too when it dawned on me that I fall into that last category a bit...
I think a lot of us don't take risks or make life changes because we are afraid we will succeed at what we were trying and in the long run cause a ruckus in our lives... Many of us are not comfortable with change -in any capacity.
I had a roommate in college and she wrote on our bathroom wall "NO RISK, NO REWARD". What I took from that was that everything in life had a price... It's true -good, bad -it all costs somewhere in your life... Great job -lousy hours? Home life pays... Great home life -often the job is dissatisfying... The deal is balance...
I got this great quote today:
"The big lesson in life, baby, is never be scared of anyone or anything." - Frank Sinatra
And he is Frankie -so he knows what he speaks.
Fear is a stumbling block -an impetus to us succeeding at our best work. Fear CRIPPLES. We often do nothing -because we KNOW the outcome then - nothing changes and we stay the same.
Which brings me to point number two for today....
I got this great shiver when I read this question -
"What would you do if you knew you could NOT fail?"
When I posted it on my Facebook page, I got a few interesting replies -- and the funny thing is, as I was reading them and mentally matching them to the person who replied, I was thinking -why DON'T they do it? I have some brilliant and bright and amazing friends.... And I would be rooting for them in everything they do.... The same way I hope they do for me... And they were not saying things like "cure Cancer". They were saying things like "write, dance, everything". I would tell my friends that starting is in itself success - you are further ahead than you were before you started... Seems simple... harder to buy for myself for some reason...
So combining the thought processes for one and two -I came up with this....
If I fail but enjoy the process, doesn't that count?
Now, here is my thought on this (you knew it was coming)....
I have a hard time walking the walk with TOPS. I have been trying for five years now to lose this infernal weight and I cannot seem to break through the last of it. Due to some amazing support in my TOPS group (LOVE those ladies!!), it came out that I am AFRAID. Lots of reasons I won't bore you with feed the fear, but its fear nevertheless... I have met fabulous people who have been supportive and motivating... and I have met people who are clueless about food addiction and what its like to be "super morbidly obese". I need to find the joy - the excitement that comes from just being alive and out there and not always waiting for the rest of the weight to come back...
I need to get back to enjoying the ride... Five years ago I was afraid to start and now I am afraid to find out why I am not at my goal weight yet. But I am still looking and still trying to get there, in my own way. To me, fear is a dark tunnel -an abyss. And my realization today, after TOPS, was that I am not in the tunnel alone -I have to reach out and find the people who are helping me get down the path I have taken. They are all there if I but ask... And having a hand to hold on to when you enter that deep dark unknown is SO much better than doing it all alone...
That's true for all of us really. The people in your life can assist you with your goals if they are TOLD what they are -share your goal, your objectives. If people are not equipped to help you, they are probably armed to help you find the resources to do so. Do you want to write? START -someone, somewhere, knows how to do it and how to help you get started.... Put it out there -put yourself out there and you might be thrilled to have your life change...
Life is about LIVING not waiting for life to happen, right?
I think a lot of us don't take risks or make life changes because we are afraid we will succeed at what we were trying and in the long run cause a ruckus in our lives... Many of us are not comfortable with change -in any capacity.
I had a roommate in college and she wrote on our bathroom wall "NO RISK, NO REWARD". What I took from that was that everything in life had a price... It's true -good, bad -it all costs somewhere in your life... Great job -lousy hours? Home life pays... Great home life -often the job is dissatisfying... The deal is balance...
I got this great quote today:
"The big lesson in life, baby, is never be scared of anyone or anything." - Frank Sinatra
And he is Frankie -so he knows what he speaks.
Fear is a stumbling block -an impetus to us succeeding at our best work. Fear CRIPPLES. We often do nothing -because we KNOW the outcome then - nothing changes and we stay the same.
Which brings me to point number two for today....
I got this great shiver when I read this question -
"What would you do if you knew you could NOT fail?"
When I posted it on my Facebook page, I got a few interesting replies -- and the funny thing is, as I was reading them and mentally matching them to the person who replied, I was thinking -why DON'T they do it? I have some brilliant and bright and amazing friends.... And I would be rooting for them in everything they do.... The same way I hope they do for me... And they were not saying things like "cure Cancer". They were saying things like "write, dance, everything". I would tell my friends that starting is in itself success - you are further ahead than you were before you started... Seems simple... harder to buy for myself for some reason...
So combining the thought processes for one and two -I came up with this....
If I fail but enjoy the process, doesn't that count?
Now, here is my thought on this (you knew it was coming)....
I have a hard time walking the walk with TOPS. I have been trying for five years now to lose this infernal weight and I cannot seem to break through the last of it. Due to some amazing support in my TOPS group (LOVE those ladies!!), it came out that I am AFRAID. Lots of reasons I won't bore you with feed the fear, but its fear nevertheless... I have met fabulous people who have been supportive and motivating... and I have met people who are clueless about food addiction and what its like to be "super morbidly obese". I need to find the joy - the excitement that comes from just being alive and out there and not always waiting for the rest of the weight to come back...
I need to get back to enjoying the ride... Five years ago I was afraid to start and now I am afraid to find out why I am not at my goal weight yet. But I am still looking and still trying to get there, in my own way. To me, fear is a dark tunnel -an abyss. And my realization today, after TOPS, was that I am not in the tunnel alone -I have to reach out and find the people who are helping me get down the path I have taken. They are all there if I but ask... And having a hand to hold on to when you enter that deep dark unknown is SO much better than doing it all alone...
That's true for all of us really. The people in your life can assist you with your goals if they are TOLD what they are -share your goal, your objectives. If people are not equipped to help you, they are probably armed to help you find the resources to do so. Do you want to write? START -someone, somewhere, knows how to do it and how to help you get started.... Put it out there -put yourself out there and you might be thrilled to have your life change...
Life is about LIVING not waiting for life to happen, right?
Monday, February 7, 2011
Time for a cool change...
OK, so its been a really rough year. A rough year with setbacks and failure to thrive being my primary diet...
And donuts...
This year I got my 100 lb medal with TOPS -I lost over 100 pounds and kept it off for over a year. This was a huge motivating factor for me -I could not wait to achieve the qualification status and when I finally did, I actually blew right past it -missed it by almost two months before I remembered. Funny how that happens.
But then the year following the qualification status was brutal -and now I live in constant fear of losing my status as a Century Club winner... Its a nice medal -but I have left it in my TOPS bag because I feel like it mocks me. Getting sick this past summer set me way back and for the first time in a five year run with TOPS -I gained this year. Not a lot -but still a gain. It was devastating for me.
I told someone recently that a step back is the first step in the cha-cha and I need to remember that. I need to remember that its the cumulative effort not where I am right now. Life was made to be danced through!
It is impossible to explain to someone who has never been "heavy" the thought processes involved in my relationship with food. The new shows like HEAVY on A&E are great at showing that people are flawed and we who qualify as super morbidly obese are addicts -we are not much different than the alcoholics and drug addicts (um, ok, maybe a LOT different than the Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohans of the world) - but the average run of the mill addict? That is us. We have a very twisted relationship with something that is a necessary evil in the world. I think I am still very newly "out" about my food addictions and I will often make jokes about it -but sometimes I am not joking and its my way of saying it out loud and making myself accountable for the action.
I am slowly starting the descent back to the weight I was before I went in the hospital in July of 2010 -274 is the magic number from July I need to see again -- I bumped 300 lbs before I was able to freeze it and get it to go back downward again.... I hate that I am losing the same 25 lbs AGAIN and its harder this time.... And my goal weight is not that far from 274 -so I am not that far from winning this battle...
Stress is a huge factor, I am sure -but we all have stress. I know its how I deal with it and how I process it. So how do I fix it? How do I not internalize all of this stress and not have to "drug" the stress into silence?
I am working very hard on not doing processed foods. I love to cook so as much as possible is from scratch so that I don't have the added sodium and fat from processed food -and it tastes so much better! I am almost completely Diet Coke free (which might be why I am so cranky-my apologies to the poor family!) - I am hearing the repeated statements about no nutritional value and it being bad for me and I am trying to quit...
I don't smoke, I rarely drink... I'm boring :-)
But the exercise -it's a habit I got away from and I can feel it -but I cannot seem to get back to it...
Time to change that habit and get back to the exercise -I need it-my body needs it....
I was reading a friend's blog today and she said she loves to write -which I realize is probably true for lots of us -the difference is -she does it! She's funny and witty - and I've decided I want to be like her when I grow up (never mind I am probably about 10 years older than her). I also think that blogging will help me focus and be accountable -two things I am very weak at... So I am hoping to be more diligent at this blogging thing...
Thanks for reading :-)
And donuts...
This year I got my 100 lb medal with TOPS -I lost over 100 pounds and kept it off for over a year. This was a huge motivating factor for me -I could not wait to achieve the qualification status and when I finally did, I actually blew right past it -missed it by almost two months before I remembered. Funny how that happens.
But then the year following the qualification status was brutal -and now I live in constant fear of losing my status as a Century Club winner... Its a nice medal -but I have left it in my TOPS bag because I feel like it mocks me. Getting sick this past summer set me way back and for the first time in a five year run with TOPS -I gained this year. Not a lot -but still a gain. It was devastating for me.
I told someone recently that a step back is the first step in the cha-cha and I need to remember that. I need to remember that its the cumulative effort not where I am right now. Life was made to be danced through!
It is impossible to explain to someone who has never been "heavy" the thought processes involved in my relationship with food. The new shows like HEAVY on A&E are great at showing that people are flawed and we who qualify as super morbidly obese are addicts -we are not much different than the alcoholics and drug addicts (um, ok, maybe a LOT different than the Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohans of the world) - but the average run of the mill addict? That is us. We have a very twisted relationship with something that is a necessary evil in the world. I think I am still very newly "out" about my food addictions and I will often make jokes about it -but sometimes I am not joking and its my way of saying it out loud and making myself accountable for the action.
I am slowly starting the descent back to the weight I was before I went in the hospital in July of 2010 -274 is the magic number from July I need to see again -- I bumped 300 lbs before I was able to freeze it and get it to go back downward again.... I hate that I am losing the same 25 lbs AGAIN and its harder this time.... And my goal weight is not that far from 274 -so I am not that far from winning this battle...
Stress is a huge factor, I am sure -but we all have stress. I know its how I deal with it and how I process it. So how do I fix it? How do I not internalize all of this stress and not have to "drug" the stress into silence?
I am working very hard on not doing processed foods. I love to cook so as much as possible is from scratch so that I don't have the added sodium and fat from processed food -and it tastes so much better! I am almost completely Diet Coke free (which might be why I am so cranky-my apologies to the poor family!) - I am hearing the repeated statements about no nutritional value and it being bad for me and I am trying to quit...
I don't smoke, I rarely drink... I'm boring :-)
But the exercise -it's a habit I got away from and I can feel it -but I cannot seem to get back to it...
Time to change that habit and get back to the exercise -I need it-my body needs it....
I was reading a friend's blog today and she said she loves to write -which I realize is probably true for lots of us -the difference is -she does it! She's funny and witty - and I've decided I want to be like her when I grow up (never mind I am probably about 10 years older than her). I also think that blogging will help me focus and be accountable -two things I am very weak at... So I am hoping to be more diligent at this blogging thing...
Thanks for reading :-)
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