When it rains, it pours might have also been an apt title, especially given that I live in Oregon with one of the worst wet winters on record. Oh that's right, its not officially winter anymore.
I am one of three kids. Both of my parents are dead - one a while back (almost 16 years ago -a whole other lifetime ago) and one more recent. My childhood, like many, was not an easy one. Some of the trials and tribulations were normal growing up things (bullies, boys and bad self image) others not so normal for the time (believe it or not divorce, sexual abuse, alcoholism).
I have always looked at my life as a sum of all its parts. I don't look at my life with regrets, if I can help it, as I would not be where I am now if those things had not happened. I can NOT like what happened, not like what the outcome of something was (like gaining hundreds of pounds too much) but regreting the past means regreting who I am -and I don't. Nowadays, I think I am a pretty decent person. I volunteer, I am community oriented, I don't drink, don't do drugs or carouse all night. I am a faithful wife, love my children and have a great group of friends who at any given moment can be relied upon to fill in as part of whatever part of my life is lacking something at that moment (friend, sister, parent, grandparent, confidant, asskicker, whatever)...
When I was growing up, I did not have a lot of friends. I had a lot of people I knew, but probably the best friend I had was my brother, who is younger than me. He's about four and a half years younger chronologically, but while we were the spitting image of each other -we are polar opposites in personality. My sister on the other hand is about four and a half years older and was everything I was not. Platinum blonde, tall, thin and could not care less what people thought of her. I so wanted to be her and I so wanted her to like me.
As I have grown up in both age and wisdom, there are a lot of life changes. My brother and I have nothing in common and very little contact. There is no sign of the companionship that was bred of a life led in each other's shadow both genetically, resembling a man long gone and by the geography of growing up in each others pockets. I am no longer his caretaker or his confidante in any capacity. I've met his wife, though she was not his wife then and he has children I have never seen - but he has not seen mine either, or met my husband of over 12 years. The rift was there before the marriages and the children came along. My sister and I are so much closer than she and I were growing up and she often weighs in on what my oldest daughter is thinking when engaging in sibling terrorizing and she ends every conversation with how much she loves me, not waiting for me to say it first. She survived a very difficult firestorm to come out the other side a person at peace with who she is and others faults -and lets them own their own issues. She was at my wedding, loves my husband and my children and has become a pretty amazing adults.
How is it that our lives perform such intricate twists and turns? How is that the one everyone thought was confident and secure as a child ends up the one hellbent on self destruction? How is it that the one who never seemed to notice anyone else has become the student of acceptance? When is enough distance enough and when do you ignore the gap for the greater good?
I find myself a skeptic, where I used to be optimistic and faithful. Not with everyone mind you, but with the ones who seem so intent on misdirecting what is going on. I don't like game playing in my interpersonal relationships and I withdraw both physically and emotionally when I feel like that is what is happening -part of why my brother and I are no longer close. I often feel like my life reflects the Wizard of Oz. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." The GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ! But I do pay attention - I hear the tinkering and see the curtain moving. When I was at my lowest, I found comfort in religion, finding a grounding and home where I could allow myself to heal and choose my way. But the voices and characters from the past cannot always be ignored and sometimes they are asking us to remember when it was different and to accept the lessons and let go.
My question is -how do you know when you are supposed to stay away from the edge - and how are you supposed to know when you are supposed to jump? My sister called to let me know that choices are due and time may be running out. Time to start evaluating past choices and make new ones...
One of my favorite quotes from Bull Durham, "Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Seems appropriate today....
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
It's like deja vu all over again!
So, I have never really considered myself to be all that attractive. I am not hideous, but I am not really much to write home to mom about either. God bless my husband -aside from dealing with all the craziness that is me, he also thinks I look well enough to marry. But a strange thing has started to happen to me lately.... and I am not sure if its because of how I look (good or bad) or because of how much I talk (always a possibility!) or if its because something about what I have said or done has stuck with people...
There is a big cheap market I like to shop at here, that is huge and non-descript and pretty anonymous. Most of the time if I run in to someone, its someone I know from our church, the kids' school or bunco or something. But a couple of days ago, I was getting some granola or something and this woman asks me if I had seen something. I point her in the right direction, made a comment on what she was buying and she says, "I remember you. You look good. You have lost a lot of weight." I could not place her. The filofax of my brain was flipping but nothing stopped...
She said she worked at a local home improvement store and she remembered me from carding me to verify my signature on my credit card. She said she told me the driver's license picture didn't look like me and I had to explain that I had lost about 150 lbs since the picture was taken. She remembered -and now all this time later, still knew who I was....
Today I was in a megamart, finishing up my grocery shopping, when a woman stopped me with an enthusiastic, "Hello!" She explained she knew me from church and from my involvement with our mass. "And by the way," she said, "you look amazing! How much have you lost anyway?"
I was floored. She looked vaguely familiar, but not enough that I would have known her on the street -obviously!
How is that when we are feeling our weakest, feeling we look our worst, people surface and tell us these amazing things and share with us how we have made a difference in their lives. Apparently the Megamart lady even told friends in another state about me.
There are people out there who pray for me, who talk about me with positive energy and strength. Wow, I actually INSPIRE people. And those people are amazing to share that with me because they always seem to cross my path when I am having the least amount of confidence possible in myself. Simple gifts like that is how I know that, for me, God exists. There is a force out there, looking out for me when I have lost focus and faith in me.
I feel flattered and overwhelmed by the support that this means is out there for me. I have AMAZING friends -people who have loved me unconditionally through some very rough times and they continue to love without question. And when I cannot figure out why, they are quick to tell me to remove my head from my nether regions and to get a grip. And I have these people whose lives I have, in my humble opinion, merely brushed up against, and they too cannot help but cheer me on...
I need to remember that when I cannot have faith in myself, others have unequivocal faith in me.
And who am I to question that kind of wisdom?
There is a big cheap market I like to shop at here, that is huge and non-descript and pretty anonymous. Most of the time if I run in to someone, its someone I know from our church, the kids' school or bunco or something. But a couple of days ago, I was getting some granola or something and this woman asks me if I had seen something. I point her in the right direction, made a comment on what she was buying and she says, "I remember you. You look good. You have lost a lot of weight." I could not place her. The filofax of my brain was flipping but nothing stopped...
She said she worked at a local home improvement store and she remembered me from carding me to verify my signature on my credit card. She said she told me the driver's license picture didn't look like me and I had to explain that I had lost about 150 lbs since the picture was taken. She remembered -and now all this time later, still knew who I was....
Today I was in a megamart, finishing up my grocery shopping, when a woman stopped me with an enthusiastic, "Hello!" She explained she knew me from church and from my involvement with our mass. "And by the way," she said, "you look amazing! How much have you lost anyway?"
I was floored. She looked vaguely familiar, but not enough that I would have known her on the street -obviously!
How is that when we are feeling our weakest, feeling we look our worst, people surface and tell us these amazing things and share with us how we have made a difference in their lives. Apparently the Megamart lady even told friends in another state about me.
There are people out there who pray for me, who talk about me with positive energy and strength. Wow, I actually INSPIRE people. And those people are amazing to share that with me because they always seem to cross my path when I am having the least amount of confidence possible in myself. Simple gifts like that is how I know that, for me, God exists. There is a force out there, looking out for me when I have lost focus and faith in me.
I feel flattered and overwhelmed by the support that this means is out there for me. I have AMAZING friends -people who have loved me unconditionally through some very rough times and they continue to love without question. And when I cannot figure out why, they are quick to tell me to remove my head from my nether regions and to get a grip. And I have these people whose lives I have, in my humble opinion, merely brushed up against, and they too cannot help but cheer me on...
I need to remember that when I cannot have faith in myself, others have unequivocal faith in me.
And who am I to question that kind of wisdom?
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
By the way...they are real and they are SPECTACULAR!
OK, so they are real, and maybe they are not spectacular but they are mine....
Get your mind out of the gutter. Yes, that was a veiled reference to Seinfeld...
I am talking about my fears... I have had this mental block about getting back into my exercise routing. I used to be so committed to it... and then I got sick and out of the habit and then there was this huge wall around me getting back on the treadmill. I would think about it and go to bed with every intention of getting back in the swing of it the next morning.... then morning chaos would ensue and I would once again push my needs to the wayside and avoid working out.
I would spend hours, days even agonizing over why I did this self sabotage. I would analyze and speculate and dig through my psyche bemoaning this failure I was committing. It never occurred to me that I was perpetuating it by thinking about it. Sadly, I don't consider myself a great thinker... So why would I even consider I was overthinking things, and perpetuating my work out avoidance? I kept telling myself I was "trying" and for some reason I just could not seem to do it and I was frustrated.
I wasn't trying though. I was continuing to NOT do something. And I was trying to figure out WHY I could not do it. Um, DUH!? Because I was not getting up, I was not getting on the treadmill. I was NOT, so I COULD NOT. As it was so eloquently put, I did not need to THINK about this, I needed to DO this. See, that's why they get paid by the hour....
This morning, for the first time in months, I got on the treadmill. It was awkward and weird and wonderful. I did two miles in 38 minutes -at a 3 incline. My body remembers how good it used to feel and I found myself not so sluggish. How did this miracle occur?
I told someone to hold me responsible. I asked my husband to wake me up. The irony is he usually does anyway with the noise he makes but I usually try and tune it out to go back to sleep. But today, he simply said, "Honey, you wanted me to wake you up to work out." I got up, dressed and on the treadmill.
Seems so easy now....
Hope it feels that way in the morning. And hope all of my self resistance can be undone that easily.
In my mind, that's why it takes a village -sometimes, that first step is so difficult to do alone.
Get your mind out of the gutter. Yes, that was a veiled reference to Seinfeld...
I am talking about my fears... I have had this mental block about getting back into my exercise routing. I used to be so committed to it... and then I got sick and out of the habit and then there was this huge wall around me getting back on the treadmill. I would think about it and go to bed with every intention of getting back in the swing of it the next morning.... then morning chaos would ensue and I would once again push my needs to the wayside and avoid working out.
I would spend hours, days even agonizing over why I did this self sabotage. I would analyze and speculate and dig through my psyche bemoaning this failure I was committing. It never occurred to me that I was perpetuating it by thinking about it. Sadly, I don't consider myself a great thinker... So why would I even consider I was overthinking things, and perpetuating my work out avoidance? I kept telling myself I was "trying" and for some reason I just could not seem to do it and I was frustrated.
I wasn't trying though. I was continuing to NOT do something. And I was trying to figure out WHY I could not do it. Um, DUH!? Because I was not getting up, I was not getting on the treadmill. I was NOT, so I COULD NOT. As it was so eloquently put, I did not need to THINK about this, I needed to DO this. See, that's why they get paid by the hour....
This morning, for the first time in months, I got on the treadmill. It was awkward and weird and wonderful. I did two miles in 38 minutes -at a 3 incline. My body remembers how good it used to feel and I found myself not so sluggish. How did this miracle occur?
I told someone to hold me responsible. I asked my husband to wake me up. The irony is he usually does anyway with the noise he makes but I usually try and tune it out to go back to sleep. But today, he simply said, "Honey, you wanted me to wake you up to work out." I got up, dressed and on the treadmill.
Seems so easy now....
Hope it feels that way in the morning. And hope all of my self resistance can be undone that easily.
In my mind, that's why it takes a village -sometimes, that first step is so difficult to do alone.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I'll show you mine, if you show me yours!
When we have babies, everyone talks about who gave them their eyes, their hair, their nose... There is great pride in claiming height, unusual eyes, particularly unique hair color...
Who gave me my weird eating habits?? And why isn't anyone claiming them?
I am not the only one who has them. When you make public your food piccadillos, folks come out of the woodwork to share theirs with you. It actually helps a little to not feel so dirty or ashamed to find out about other peoples. It also helps to bring your behaviour into the light and make you kind of go, "Huh. Why the hell did I do that?" Which, if you have any experience with any addiction, admitting you have a problem is the first step. But when it's food -its just strange... You NEED food to survive and hence the inability to "give it up".
You have them, you know you do.... The strange little behaviors that beg your attention to detail. You eat your Oreos by dunking after pulling them apart. You can only eat french fries with Thousand Island dressing. You never, ever eat rare meat. There has to be chocolate in the house.
But my habits, and for others like me, indicate a more intense and negative relationship with food. A friend of mine was telling me how her mom used to hide candy and so now she HAS to have chocolate in the house and her brother bought a refrigerator with a "secret drawer" to stash his goodies. I'm tempted to find me one of those...
I remember always thinking of food as a reward. I still want to reward myself with food -and comfort myself with it. There was a time when there was not enough of it and times when there was an abundance.... And times when I wanted it above all else... It was my friend -there for me when I did not believe any one else was -and there for me when I could not cope with anything or anyone else. I could always rely on the people at the food place to talk to me when I was alone.... And when other people had let me down, I knew I could go to my favorite dinner place and the food would taste the same... it was reliable.
My approach to food used to be to INHALE. Now, I concentrate more on trying to taste it, savor it. I am trying to make my food an accessory to my relationships, not the main event. My children help out in the kitchen and we do lots of meal planning to make sure all of our favorites are represented. I am striving to make it less about the food than the experience.
Think about it -every social event -birthdays, weddings, baptisms, funerals -there is always food. Movies, concerts, etc... There is always food offered. We are an overscheduled society -and our lives revolve around food. Meet me for coffee, dinner, how about we go out for dessert? It all overwhelms someone with food issues.
Food addiction can be catastrophic. How do you shut off the voices in your head about the food but still eat appropriately. There is also the issues of undoing the metabolic damage the overeating has done and getting your body in synch with your brain. And now research shows that there is an actual equation of fat+sodium that fast food companies follow. Nice, they are ganging up on us now! And breaking the cycle is difficult alone...
The nice lady I pay by the hour told me yesterday that sometimes just accepting that something "is" has to be enough. I am not supposed to figure out the why -so much as the how to change it. Figuring out WHY I am not on the treadmill is not as important as getting me back on there now. The WHY I got so heavy in the first place is not as critical as getting me back on course to reverse the damage and heal.
Money well spent.
Who gave me my weird eating habits?? And why isn't anyone claiming them?
I am not the only one who has them. When you make public your food piccadillos, folks come out of the woodwork to share theirs with you. It actually helps a little to not feel so dirty or ashamed to find out about other peoples. It also helps to bring your behaviour into the light and make you kind of go, "Huh. Why the hell did I do that?" Which, if you have any experience with any addiction, admitting you have a problem is the first step. But when it's food -its just strange... You NEED food to survive and hence the inability to "give it up".
You have them, you know you do.... The strange little behaviors that beg your attention to detail. You eat your Oreos by dunking after pulling them apart. You can only eat french fries with Thousand Island dressing. You never, ever eat rare meat. There has to be chocolate in the house.
But my habits, and for others like me, indicate a more intense and negative relationship with food. A friend of mine was telling me how her mom used to hide candy and so now she HAS to have chocolate in the house and her brother bought a refrigerator with a "secret drawer" to stash his goodies. I'm tempted to find me one of those...
I remember always thinking of food as a reward. I still want to reward myself with food -and comfort myself with it. There was a time when there was not enough of it and times when there was an abundance.... And times when I wanted it above all else... It was my friend -there for me when I did not believe any one else was -and there for me when I could not cope with anything or anyone else. I could always rely on the people at the food place to talk to me when I was alone.... And when other people had let me down, I knew I could go to my favorite dinner place and the food would taste the same... it was reliable.
My approach to food used to be to INHALE. Now, I concentrate more on trying to taste it, savor it. I am trying to make my food an accessory to my relationships, not the main event. My children help out in the kitchen and we do lots of meal planning to make sure all of our favorites are represented. I am striving to make it less about the food than the experience.
Think about it -every social event -birthdays, weddings, baptisms, funerals -there is always food. Movies, concerts, etc... There is always food offered. We are an overscheduled society -and our lives revolve around food. Meet me for coffee, dinner, how about we go out for dessert? It all overwhelms someone with food issues.
Food addiction can be catastrophic. How do you shut off the voices in your head about the food but still eat appropriately. There is also the issues of undoing the metabolic damage the overeating has done and getting your body in synch with your brain. And now research shows that there is an actual equation of fat+sodium that fast food companies follow. Nice, they are ganging up on us now! And breaking the cycle is difficult alone...
The nice lady I pay by the hour told me yesterday that sometimes just accepting that something "is" has to be enough. I am not supposed to figure out the why -so much as the how to change it. Figuring out WHY I am not on the treadmill is not as important as getting me back on there now. The WHY I got so heavy in the first place is not as critical as getting me back on course to reverse the damage and heal.
Money well spent.
Friday, March 4, 2011
It's a brand new morning!
And a lot of things happened last night after I posted.
For one thing, the State Report the eldest child was working on is finished -and submitted. The scepter which has been hanging over our heads since September is done and out the door. Thank the good Lord and a hot glue gun.
Secondly, I did the good mom thing and made homemade spaghetti and meatballs FROM SCRATCH for the rugrats and hubby for dinner -and it was so yummy! So in exchange, he cleaned up and I got to finish my book....literally just in time for book club, which was my other reward last night.
I like having a reward that makes me feel smart. We were reading THE BOOK THIEF this month and due to the kabillion things on my plate, I was not getting the reading done. I haven't even been reading the paper! But I got it finished just in time.... but that is not what made it a reward.
Yesterday I posted about how...UGH I felt. When one of my fellow book fans walked in she said, "I read your blog. My first thought was you needed a hug." Yeah, probably very true... so after discussing this very intense book about words (read it -you will understand) and having a great snack, we are getting ready to leave -she hugged me. Not one of those polite, aren't I nice hugs...a nice, firm, compassionate hug. And even now I am tearing up thinking how special that made me feel and how I know that just for a minute, she saw my heart and shared hers. And since I know she reads my blog (*big smile here*) - I want her to know that she should be one of the ones who sits up -because her soul is very light... I am eternally grateful for the extension of friendship at an otherwise weak moment....
So we hauled in the state report, there is laundry in the machine, the dishwasher running, I got a sensibility reboot and it's now Friday -a busy weekend but still Friday... I woke up another day and am off to begin another book with book club. Ironically, CIRCLE OF FRIENDS.
Nice how a new day can give you a new perspective....
For one thing, the State Report the eldest child was working on is finished -and submitted. The scepter which has been hanging over our heads since September is done and out the door. Thank the good Lord and a hot glue gun.
Secondly, I did the good mom thing and made homemade spaghetti and meatballs FROM SCRATCH for the rugrats and hubby for dinner -and it was so yummy! So in exchange, he cleaned up and I got to finish my book....literally just in time for book club, which was my other reward last night.
I like having a reward that makes me feel smart. We were reading THE BOOK THIEF this month and due to the kabillion things on my plate, I was not getting the reading done. I haven't even been reading the paper! But I got it finished just in time.... but that is not what made it a reward.
Yesterday I posted about how...UGH I felt. When one of my fellow book fans walked in she said, "I read your blog. My first thought was you needed a hug." Yeah, probably very true... so after discussing this very intense book about words (read it -you will understand) and having a great snack, we are getting ready to leave -she hugged me. Not one of those polite, aren't I nice hugs...a nice, firm, compassionate hug. And even now I am tearing up thinking how special that made me feel and how I know that just for a minute, she saw my heart and shared hers. And since I know she reads my blog (*big smile here*) - I want her to know that she should be one of the ones who sits up -because her soul is very light... I am eternally grateful for the extension of friendship at an otherwise weak moment....
So we hauled in the state report, there is laundry in the machine, the dishwasher running, I got a sensibility reboot and it's now Friday -a busy weekend but still Friday... I woke up another day and am off to begin another book with book club. Ironically, CIRCLE OF FRIENDS.
Nice how a new day can give you a new perspective....
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I'm in a sand-kicking kind of mood...
I am in a sand kicking kind of mood -- you know what I mean, right? The kind where you hang your head and grumble under your breath repeatedly about everything and everyone that is wrong in your life. I think it would even be safe to say I am in a sand castle kicking kind of mood. And maybe some stomping and screeching..... Oh yeah, I did that this morning...
My life in the last couple of weeks has gotten insanely busy -more busy than usual. My sanity is paying the price -as is my house. Thank God last month I hosted book club or I would not have any idea the last time I actually swept or cleaned... But I can actually tell you, to the day...
Anyway.. I have had a hard couple of weeks both with the whole weight loss thing (NOT going well at all!) and just trying to keep my patience and my tolerance level in place. My weight is yo-yoing up six pounds, down five pounds, up six pounds, down five pounds. If you are averaging it out in your head, yeah -I am gaining weight again...
Why is it that the two things seems to go so hand in hand for me? No doubt the nice lady who charges by the hour has lots of answers for me -but we are not yet on a regular schedule and I am left guessing...
I seem to be spending a lot of time lately thinking about my shortcomings, which depresses me even more - perhaps because its tax time and seeing all the money we brought in and feeling as if we have little to show for it is contributing to that feeling -I just don't know...
The shortcomings seemed like they were in technicolor in yesterday's deposition. Nothing like hearing all of your car accidents and injuries read in to the "official" record. Depressing...
My life is a lot of NO right now because other things are taking precedence. I have not taken on any new responsibilities -but the current ones are all scheduled around the same time. I am trying to meet everyone else's priorities and I selfishly wonder - am I anyone's priority? I feel a bit petty saying that, but seriously -I look at my day and how much of it is spent doing what everyone else needs - whether its laundry, groceries, bills, taxes, volunteering at school, etc... And the answer is simple -all of it right now.... Then the question gets complicated again -because would I want it different?
I blame that reflection on Dr. Seuss - his birthday was yesterday and the greatest post came up on TWITTER - "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." Dr. Seuss
And he wrote children's books -so he knows.
Then it occurs to me -that when I stop and think about my priorities -being wife and mom comes first and the vast majority of what I do comes back to those two roles. Now, somewhere I failed miserably in keeping "CRIS" part of the equation. I surrendered my personal identity for a blanket identity -and I'm not sure how I feel about that now. And I am not sure how I go about getting it back, if I want it back.
Sadly, I now have a TOBY KEITH song in my head.... Go figure...It goes a little somethhing like, "It's all about me, all about mine, all about #1." Ugh!
So in the meantime, I am going to go look for sand and kick some more.... Oh, nope -no time for that! Have to be in the classroom today...
My life in the last couple of weeks has gotten insanely busy -more busy than usual. My sanity is paying the price -as is my house. Thank God last month I hosted book club or I would not have any idea the last time I actually swept or cleaned... But I can actually tell you, to the day...
Anyway.. I have had a hard couple of weeks both with the whole weight loss thing (NOT going well at all!) and just trying to keep my patience and my tolerance level in place. My weight is yo-yoing up six pounds, down five pounds, up six pounds, down five pounds. If you are averaging it out in your head, yeah -I am gaining weight again...
Why is it that the two things seems to go so hand in hand for me? No doubt the nice lady who charges by the hour has lots of answers for me -but we are not yet on a regular schedule and I am left guessing...
I seem to be spending a lot of time lately thinking about my shortcomings, which depresses me even more - perhaps because its tax time and seeing all the money we brought in and feeling as if we have little to show for it is contributing to that feeling -I just don't know...
The shortcomings seemed like they were in technicolor in yesterday's deposition. Nothing like hearing all of your car accidents and injuries read in to the "official" record. Depressing...
My life is a lot of NO right now because other things are taking precedence. I have not taken on any new responsibilities -but the current ones are all scheduled around the same time. I am trying to meet everyone else's priorities and I selfishly wonder - am I anyone's priority? I feel a bit petty saying that, but seriously -I look at my day and how much of it is spent doing what everyone else needs - whether its laundry, groceries, bills, taxes, volunteering at school, etc... And the answer is simple -all of it right now.... Then the question gets complicated again -because would I want it different?
I blame that reflection on Dr. Seuss - his birthday was yesterday and the greatest post came up on TWITTER - "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." Dr. Seuss
And he wrote children's books -so he knows.
Then it occurs to me -that when I stop and think about my priorities -being wife and mom comes first and the vast majority of what I do comes back to those two roles. Now, somewhere I failed miserably in keeping "CRIS" part of the equation. I surrendered my personal identity for a blanket identity -and I'm not sure how I feel about that now. And I am not sure how I go about getting it back, if I want it back.
Sadly, I now have a TOBY KEITH song in my head.... Go figure...It goes a little somethhing like, "It's all about me, all about mine, all about #1." Ugh!
So in the meantime, I am going to go look for sand and kick some more.... Oh, nope -no time for that! Have to be in the classroom today...
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