Time, Time, Time....Look what's become of me!

I have had one of those really bizarre experiences where my life resembles fiction at an alarming rate. I "discovered" a show with Keifer Sutherland called TOUCH - great show, I strongly recommended it -about how there are not really coincidences so much as patterns if we are open to seeing them... And then I got this song stuck in my head... Sadly, I just remembered The Bangles version but it's been done about a million times and it I just love the lyrics... Here is a link to the YouTube video if you want to sing along... LYRICS: Time, time, time, see what's become of me..... Time, time, time, see what's become of me. While I looked around for my possibilities, I was so hard to please. Look around, the leaves are brown, And the sky is a hazy shade of winter. Hear the salvation army band Down by the riverside, it's bound to be a better ride Than what you've got planned, Carry your cup in your hand. Look around you, the leaves are brown now, And the sky is a hazy shade of winter. Hang on to your hopes, my friend. That's an easy thing to say but if your hopes should pass away, It's simply pretend, that you can build them again. Look around, the grass is high, the fields are ripe, It's the springtime of my life. Oh, seasons change with the scenery, Weaving time in a tapestry, Won't you stop and remember me? Look around, the leaves are brown, And the sky is a hazy shade of winter. Look around, the leaves are brown, There's a patch of snow on the ground, Look around, the leaves are brown, There's a patch of snow on the ground, Look around, the leaves are brown, Anyone who knows what an Oregon summer starts like (it looks like fall out there!), knows this is a great summer song! LOL I haven't had the opportunity to blog in a really long time and I have kind of missed it. It's cathartic and so I am going to try and add it back in to the melee which is my life. I actually had someone ask me recently if I still do it. Don't want to let the fans down :-) so here you go... I have been keeping myself really busy but the biggest news on the "weightloss" front is that I have finally been released from physical therapy and have joined a gym to keep trying to get stronger. I love ironies -so how is this -I am not allowed any real "off road" hiking or walking around but I can go to the gym. The gym is how I got hooked on TOUCH, because the awesome gym I go to has WIFI -which means when I am pedaling the stationary bike to nowhere, I am watching my HuluPlus on my iPhone. I have watched the entire first season while either folding laundry or pedaling my heart out. I have moved on to 21 JUMP STREET - don't judge! I have decided that this summer will be a family focused summer, since I messed up last summer so bad -and so far, so good (now mind you, we are only two weeks in!). I have been trying to let the kids dictate a lot of what we do and trying to just keep busy (Last year at this time, I was flat on my back with my knee up-yipes!). And the gym - I am working really hard on trying to get to the gym at least three times a week. I gave up TOPS for the summer to try and not have a lot of "set" things so that I could rest, spend time with the kids and travel a little bit. So the gym plan is for me to gain strength and just be healthier. I am not really working that hard at losing weight but gaining muscle and strength. Best part? It's working! I have been going to the gym since May and have tightened my legs up, my arms are getting definition and I can feel my ribs -woohoo! Now, I am not losing tons of weight yet (only about 2 lbs) but I feel so much better, and really, that is so much more important to me than just losing the weight. Someone asked me if I was going to have a "tummy tuck" since I have lost all this weight and I have all this loose saggy skin. Would it be weird to say I am not excited by the concepts of major surgery on my abdomen? Plus, all that extra room makes the swelling from abdominal HAE attacks less painful... so not right now, folks! So, back to the TOUCH reference -all these things in my life seem to be connected in peripheral ways that I had not noticed before. I find myself sitting back and waiting instead of reacting more, to see how it comes out and allowing activities to play out before I intercede, which is helping my stress level immensely. Much like Jake, in TOUCH, I am not very effectual at communicating, at least not about myself. I think I am "talking" to people but they don't seem to understand me, so I have begun waiting more and seeing if it is to be -maybe more faith than force, I guess... But boy, make it about something I am passionate about OTHER than me, and I can scald you with the heat of my convictions. Boy, that is not a self esteem issue or anything, is it? Sheesh, that one is a huge red flag! LOL A few random ramblings.... I like when Facebook recommends I friend someone I don't particularly care for because we have friends in common -especially when I did not realize that the two "friends" know each other.... I have to admit that it is a bit of pressure to think, "Hmm, so and so likes this person, should I friend them?" Why is it that websites for groups that require annual membership have to be so cumbersome to re-enroll? Obviously if I am re-enrolling I am still involved and interested. I have not changed my birthdate, my gender or my racial profile. Sheesh, just re-enroll me already! My life is a series of Murphy's Law encounters. Example a) I just managed to get a very convoluted web of prior approvals and guidelines established with my health insurance company - when we changed insurance companies... I can't remember the last time I had french toast -but I know that it about 7 hours, I will be having it for breakfast and I cannot wait! What is the magic age children stop bickering? I am too old to remember and certainly too old to wait for my kids to stop. Duct tape is looking good... My ears would appreciate the break... Anyway -I should not blog when I haven't slept, I babble and think only of pot-stirrer topics.... I will be back again soon, I promise.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life.  - Buddha

Sounds pretty simple doesn't it?  Be present in the moment.  But it's not.  We all travel with so much baggage these days and we hold on to everything.  I bet, if we checked, hoarding is on the rise in both physical possesions and emotional possessions.  I am guilty of it, certainly.  I cannot forget the past and try and carry everything along with me.  But if I can learn to let go, leave the harmful, nasty stuff behind, I will have open arms for the glorious and beautiful and not be clutching the negative, detrimental stuff so close.

I think we have to let go sometimes and leave the stuff behind.  I watch my kids sometimes when they set the table for dinner.  They try and carry too much and inevitably, something gets broke.

Happens with people too.  If I try and do too much for my family and I don't slow down and ask for help where I can, will I get broke?  Or am I already?  If I keep creating my future by relying on information and experiences from the past, that were with OTHER people, I am creating a disappointing and self fulfilling prophecy of my life.  Life is a one shot deal and it's our responsibility to make it our best one possible. 

By the way...they are real and they are SPECTACULAR!

OK, so they are real, and maybe they are not spectacular but they are mine....

Get your mind out of the gutter.  Yes, that was a veiled reference to Seinfeld...

I am talking about my fears...  I have had this mental block about getting back into my exercise routing.  I used to be so committed to it... and then I got sick and out of the habit and then there was this huge wall around me getting back on the treadmill.  I would think about it and go to bed with every intention of getting back in the swing of it the next morning.... then morning chaos would ensue and I would once again push my needs to the wayside and avoid working out.

I would spend hours, days even agonizing over why I did this self sabotage.  I would analyze and speculate and dig through my psyche bemoaning this failure I was committing.  It never occurred to me that I was perpetuating it by thinking about it.  Sadly, I don't consider myself a great thinker...  So why would I even consider I was overthinking things, and perpetuating my work out avoidance?  I kept telling myself I was "trying" and for some reason I just could not seem to do it and I was frustrated.

I wasn't trying though.  I was continuing to NOT do something.  And I was trying to figure out WHY I could not do it.  Um, DUH!?  Because I was not getting up, I was not getting on the treadmill.  I was NOT, so I COULD NOT.  As it was so eloquently put, I did not need to THINK about this, I needed to DO this.  See, that's why they get paid by the hour....

This morning, for the first time in months, I got on the treadmill.  It was awkward and weird and wonderful.  I did two miles in 38 minutes -at a 3 incline.  My body remembers how good it used to feel and I found myself not so sluggish.  How did this miracle occur?

I told someone to hold me responsible.  I asked my husband to wake me up.  The irony is he usually does anyway with the noise he makes but I usually try and tune it out to go back to sleep.  But today, he simply said, "Honey, you wanted me to wake you up to work out."  I got up, dressed and on the treadmill.

Seems so easy now....

Hope it feels that way in the morning.  And hope all of my self resistance can be undone that easily.

In my mind, that's why it takes a village -sometimes, that first step is so difficult to do alone.

I'll show you mine, if you show me yours!

When we have babies, everyone talks about who gave them their eyes, their hair, their nose...  There is great pride in claiming height, unusual eyes, particularly unique hair color...

Who gave me my weird eating habits??  And why isn't anyone claiming them?

I am not the only one who has them.  When you make public your food piccadillos, folks come out of the woodwork to share theirs with you.  It actually helps a little to not feel so dirty or ashamed to find out about other peoples.  It also helps to bring your behaviour into the light and make you kind of go, "Huh.  Why the hell did I do that?"   Which, if you have any experience with any addiction, admitting you have a problem is the first step.  But when it's food -its just strange...  You NEED food to survive and hence the inability to "give it up".

You have them, you know you do....  The strange little behaviors that beg your attention to detail.  You eat your Oreos by dunking after pulling them apart.  You can only eat french fries with Thousand Island dressing.  You never, ever eat rare meat.  There has to be chocolate in the house. 

But my habits, and for others like me, indicate a more intense and negative relationship with food.  A friend of mine was telling me how her mom used to hide candy and so now she HAS to have chocolate in the house and her brother bought a refrigerator with a "secret drawer" to stash his goodies.  I'm tempted to find me one of those...

I remember always thinking of food as a reward.  I still want to reward myself with food -and comfort myself with it.  There was a time when there was not enough of it and times when there was an abundance....  And times when I wanted it above all else...  It was my friend -there for me when I did not believe any one else was -and there for me when I could not cope with anything or anyone else.  I could always rely on the people at the food place to talk to me when I was alone....  And when other people had let me down, I knew I could go to my favorite dinner place and the food would taste the same... it was reliable.

My approach to food used to be to INHALE.  Now, I concentrate more on trying to taste it, savor it.  I am trying to make my food an accessory to my relationships, not the main event.  My children help out in the kitchen and we do lots of meal planning to make sure all of our favorites are represented.  I am striving to make it less about the food than the experience.

Think about it -every social event -birthdays, weddings, baptisms, funerals -there is always food.  Movies, concerts, etc...  There is always food offered.  We are an overscheduled society -and our lives revolve around food.  Meet me for coffee, dinner, how about we go out for dessert?  It all overwhelms someone with food issues.

Food addiction can be catastrophic.  How do you shut off the voices in your head about the food but still eat appropriately.  There is also the issues of undoing the metabolic damage the overeating has done and getting your body in synch with your brain.  And now research shows that there is an actual equation of fat+sodium that fast food companies follow.  Nice, they are ganging up on us now!  And breaking the cycle is difficult alone...

The nice lady I pay by the hour told me yesterday that sometimes just accepting that something "is" has to be enough.   I am not supposed to figure out the why -so much as the how to change it.  Figuring out WHY I am not on the treadmill is not as important as getting me back on there now.  The WHY I got so heavy in the first place is not as critical as getting me back on course to reverse the damage and heal.

Money well spent.

I'm in a sand-kicking kind of mood...

I am in a sand kicking kind of mood -- you know what I mean, right?  The kind where you hang your head and grumble under your breath repeatedly about everything and everyone that is wrong in your life.  I think it would even be safe to say I am in a sand castle kicking kind of mood.  And maybe some stomping and screeching.....  Oh yeah, I did that this morning...

My life in the last couple of weeks has gotten insanely busy -more busy than usual.  My sanity is paying the price -as is my house.  Thank God last month I hosted book club or I would not have any idea the last time I actually swept or cleaned...  But I can actually tell you, to the day...

Anyway..  I have had a hard couple of weeks both with the whole weight loss thing (NOT going well at all!) and just trying to keep my patience and my tolerance level in place.  My weight is yo-yoing up six pounds, down five pounds, up six pounds, down five pounds.  If you are averaging it out in your head, yeah -I am gaining weight again...

Why is it that the two things seems to go so hand in hand for me?  No doubt the nice lady who charges by the hour has lots of answers for me -but we are not yet on a regular schedule and I am left guessing...

I seem to be spending a lot of time lately thinking about my shortcomings, which depresses me even more - perhaps because its tax time and seeing all the money we brought in and feeling as if we have little to show for it is contributing to that feeling -I just don't know... 

The shortcomings seemed like they were in technicolor in yesterday's deposition.  Nothing like hearing all of your car accidents and injuries read in to the "official" record.  Depressing...

My life is a lot of NO right now because other things are taking precedence.  I have not taken on any new responsibilities -but the current ones are all scheduled around the same time.  I am trying to meet everyone else's priorities and I selfishly wonder - am I anyone's priority?  I feel a bit petty saying that, but seriously -I look at my day and how much of it is spent doing what everyone else needs - whether its laundry, groceries, bills, taxes, volunteering at school, etc...    And the answer is simple -all of it right now....  Then the question gets complicated again -because would I want it different?

I blame that reflection on Dr. Seuss - his birthday was yesterday and the greatest post came up on TWITTER - "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." Dr. Seuss

And he wrote children's books -so he knows.

Then it occurs to me -that when I stop and think about my priorities -being wife and mom comes first and the vast majority of what I do comes back to those two roles.  Now, somewhere I failed miserably in keeping "CRIS" part of the equation.  I surrendered my personal identity for a blanket identity -and I'm not sure how I feel about that now.    And I am not sure how I go about getting it back, if I want it back. 

Sadly, I now have a TOBY KEITH song in my head....  Go figure...It goes a little somethhing like, "It's all about me, all about mine, all about #1."  Ugh!

So in the meantime, I am going to go look for sand and kick some more....  Oh, nope -no time for that!  Have to be in the classroom today... 

Love is a many splendored thing...

Love has so many facets to it -and not the least of which is loving yourself.  I wonder if that is why all of my major life changes consists of events surrounding Valentine's Day...  My last big step was five years ago when I joined TOPS.  Oscar Wilde said, "To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance."  He would know...

Today... Well, today I went and met...  dunh dunh dunh...  HER. 

The counselor -I went and met her.  After a major panic attack in the parking lot I went in to the meeting -and found out I had gotten the time wrong so I started totally insecure and on the defensive.  Parr for the course I guess!  But she took me in anyway and did a great job of making me feel comfortable and then sneak attacked.

Guess what I found out when I got in there -she was NICE.  It was terrible, I actually like her and I think that means I have to go back.  She doesn't think I am crazy -(ha!  She just doesn't know me well enough yet -we will give her a bit!) and I think she might actually help.  Our goals are simple, measureable and realistic. 

I think we will see how it goes...

On a side note, HUNGER has been a big thing (imagine that, since I have food issues) and my friend Lynn has been blogging about it, which makes me think about it, which makes it come up more in day to day -kind of funny how that works.   Anyway...so I started thinking about how few of us actually know what hungry for food feels like because we are so caught up in the TIMING of eating (breakfast at 7am, lunch at noon, dinner at 6pm) or the social cues ("Meet me for a drink, for lunch, for breakfast, for ice cream, whatever) that we just don't actually feel HUNGER for food.

I think we feel hunger for other things -contact from other people, attention....  We crave human contact and we replace it with food or drink or gambling -whatever our "weakness" is...  The reverse of that is also true with how we SHOW love.  Let me cook for you, bring you a casserole, bake you a cake...

Today for my 2nd grader's Valentine's Day party, I was room mom designate.  I brought the treats in -and I brought carrots and grapes.  The kids got a smidgeon of candy too but not like the other classrooms that got cupcakes or pizza or donuts.  Some of the kids were disappointed at first -but the majority LOVED it.  I loved that my own child did not come home so hyped up on sugar that my day was miserable...  And it made it possible for me to say yes to the candy from the goody bag.  Some of it...

My point?  Providing an unexpected treat -is sometimes saying something like -Let's go for a walk and let's go for salad bar or workout or something.  Or curl up with me and read -or just sit and talk to me.  Or here -have carrots and grapes...

We as a society need to adjust our expectations and try to identify the hungers we have and meet them with the right tools for the job.  The tendency to overindulge in one area while being lacking in another is a dangerous loss of balance....  And contagious...

Now I am the first to admit I am fabulous at instigating this for everyone else...  Not so much for myself.  If I was, now I wouldn't be blogging, would I?

Don't panic...ADJUST!

I saw the most fabulous bumper sticker today....

DON'T PANIC-ADJUST

This is perfect for me and I am thinking of sticking up little index cards around my house with this in bright colors throughout my house (though my husband might object to the new decor)....

It exemplifies what I don't do well.  Well, not true -it exemplifies what I don't do well with my emotions...

I rock a crisis.  I am the most amazing project manager -I take a project, break it down, allow for variances and planning, keep communication channels open so everyone is on the same page...  And when something goes wrong -I resolve it quickly and cleanly.  Picture "The Cleaner" from PULP FICTION.  Never ruffled, adapt, adapt, adapt...

But bring me a little ripple in my emotional pond at home and I cannot renegotiate my path.  I get mired in the "what does that mean" and "why did he say that".   And I get fearful and regretful and repeat in my head the action/conversation/transaction trying to figure out where it went bad and how do I avoid it going bad the next time.   

Last night my husband and I introduced our school aged children to the joke of "Pete and repeat were sitting on a fence.  Pete fell off, who was left?"  The kids kept responding (appropriately of course!) "Repeat".  So we would.  My oldest, who is almost 10, said finally when I asked again, "the other one".  She's a smart cookie...

Yeah, my brain works like first part -stuck on "repeat"... Only worse.  I never reach the improvement - "the other one" part where I stop the negative self talk and move past the recriminations and over analyzing.  I never seem to learn my lesson.

Why is it that we can tell others all of the wonderful and glorious things about them - the things that make us as humans unique and beautiful and spectacular and God's most amazing creation.  But we cannot or will not see it in ourselves? 

I'm a Girl Scout leader with a group of amazing girls...  I watch them and am eager to help them reach adulthood as strong, courageous, independent and self sufficient women.  I know they can do it without me but I am excited about maybe being a kid for a little while with them and going back to the simpler time, before I got such a negative image of myself, and trying a little mulligan (a golf term -it means a do-over)... a do over on improving my self esteem.  Having two daughters, I am very aware of not saying the negativity to them - they get enough of that from other kids on the playground - and trying to show them their inner strength.  I want to  have some of that of my own.  Meh, a little fountain of youth maybe?

I wonder if everyone concentrated on being young again and trying to go back and reprogram that part of ourselves that got distorted and distended...  Would it be a better, simpler place? 

In the meantime...  I need to find some markers...and a couple of index cards...  I've got some redecorating to do!

How come one step was so much work?

So after five years in TOPS it occurs to me that I need more direct help than just my TOPS support group can provide -I know the WHAT but not the WHY -so after much soul searching I have decided I need to see a counselor.

Seems like it should have been so easy...  but my brain hurts from the hours I spent online pouring over referrals.  Let me let you in on a few things.

1. If you are in a "barks and twigs" neighborhood -I'm not going to call you.
2. If your website skeeves me out -yeah, I'm not going to call you.
3. If your website "profile" sounds like you need more help than I do -nope, not going to call you.
4. If you have so many "specialties" that you need a second page, you can't be trusted to concentrate on on helping me.
5. If you don't have a picture on your website of YOU, I'm not going to call you.  I want to know who is going to end up hearing my innermost secrets - my internal editor started screaming, "BEWARE OF BAIT AND SWITCH."  Sorry, until someone reprograms me, the inner voice wins.

The winning player had a nice profile, but a bit of a weird picture - after consulting my personal advisors, we decided that the picture was odd because someone probably popped in and said, "Hey, we need a pic for the website" and so the good old fashioned cheerleader smile came out...

We have all been there.

The decision making process was two intense days of me going the web and scouring it looking for info -and there is alarmingly very little out there about LCSW and the like...  Lots of medical referral sites that list name and address (sadly, few pictures!) but really very little else...  I reduced and reduced the list by little bits and steps (I started with 25 -argh!).  Choices are not always a good thing.

I opted for a nice, middle of the road type -hope she is like a healthy version of me....

So, that thing fear is back.  I had to leave a message....  It was harder than I thought to call -that almighty "unknown" but  I KNOW its good for me...

Fear, baby!

OK, FEAR is a huge motivator for a lot of us. Fear of mice, fear of the number thirteen, fear of flying, fear of failure, fear of looking like a fool and fear of succeeding. Last one kind of threw you a bit, didn't it? Me too when it dawned on me that I fall into that last category a bit...



I think a lot of us don't take risks or make life changes because we are afraid we will succeed at what we were trying and in the long run cause a ruckus in our lives... Many of us are not comfortable with change -in any capacity.



I had a roommate in college and she wrote on our bathroom wall "NO RISK, NO REWARD". What I took from that was that everything in life had a price... It's true -good, bad -it all costs somewhere in your life... Great job -lousy hours? Home life pays... Great home life -often the job is dissatisfying... The deal is balance...


I got this great quote today:


"The big lesson in life, baby, is never be scared of anyone or anything." - Frank Sinatra


And he is Frankie -so he knows what he speaks.

Fear is a stumbling block -an impetus to us succeeding at our best work. Fear CRIPPLES. We often do nothing -because we KNOW the outcome then - nothing changes and we stay the same.


Which brings me to point number two for today....

I got this great shiver when I read this question -

"What would you do if you knew you could NOT fail?"


When I posted it on my Facebook page, I got a few interesting replies -- and the funny thing is, as I was reading them and mentally matching them to the person who replied, I was thinking -why DON'T they do it? I have some brilliant and bright and amazing friends.... And I would be rooting for them in everything they do.... The same way I hope they do for me... And they were not saying things like "cure Cancer". They were saying things like "write, dance, everything".  I would tell my friends that starting is in itself success - you are further ahead than you were before you started...  Seems simple... harder to buy for myself for some reason...

So combining the thought processes for one and two -I came up with this....

If I fail but enjoy the process, doesn't that count?

Now, here is my thought on this (you knew it was coming)....

I have a hard time walking the walk with TOPS. I have been trying for five years now to lose this infernal weight and I cannot seem to break through the last of it. Due to some amazing support in my TOPS group (LOVE those ladies!!), it came out that I am AFRAID. Lots of reasons I won't bore you with feed the fear, but its fear nevertheless... I have met fabulous people who have been supportive and motivating... and I have met people who are clueless about food addiction and what its like to be "super morbidly obese". I need to find the joy - the excitement that comes from just being alive and out there and not always waiting for the rest of the weight to come back...


I need to get back to enjoying the ride... Five years ago I was afraid to start and now I am afraid to find out why I am not at my goal weight yet. But I am still looking and still trying to get there, in my own way. To me, fear is a dark tunnel -an abyss. And my realization today, after TOPS, was that I am not in the tunnel alone -I have to reach out and find the people who are helping me get down the path I have taken. They are all there if I but ask...  And having a hand to hold on to when you enter that deep dark unknown is SO much better than doing it all alone...

That's true for all of us really. The people in your life can assist you with your goals if they are TOLD what they are -share your goal, your objectives. If people are not equipped to help you, they are probably armed to help you find the resources to do so. Do you want to write? START -someone, somewhere, knows how to do it and how to help you get started.... Put it out there -put yourself out there and you might be thrilled to have your life change...
Life is about LIVING not waiting for life to happen, right?

Confessions of a hoping to be thin girl... And does anyone care?

OK, so I have struggled for a long time with how to learn to be a healthier, better version of myself. I have done a bit of counseling, a lot of reading and even more talking to try and find out what broke down in my thought processes that let me hit more than 450 pounds.





Yes, I said 450 pounds... I am not a small woman in height or build. About 5'9.5", I have a large frame and broad shoulders. There was never a chance I would be miscontrued as petite.





When I was younger, elementary school aged, I was "normal" but not tiny....





In high school, I filled out early (um, yeah-in Elementary School!) and had loads of curves. I look at pictures from high school and do not see a "fat" girl, though you would not know it from the way I was taunted by mean kids. In the picture above at Disneyland, I am about 16 years old and a size 18/20. I was active in school, marching in parades and football games as part of a tall flag team, I worked at 16 and was active in the drama program. But I was different. And kids noticed that -and I did not have the strength for it to be ok that I was different. I weighed about 220 pounds in this picture. I do remember being told once by our band director that his tall flag team were "whales" and he threatened to bench us (I was a sophomore at the time) if we did not lose weight. Yep, way to create food issues for a whole bunch of girls... The majority of us skipped breakfast and dinner the night before for weigh in -and we were cleared. By the next week he was busted for weight discrimination.... Thank goodness! I might be even more messed up than I am now!

I did not start really packing on the weight for a while...



By the time I left college, I was about 250 pounds... and then for a long time, I hovered right around 300 pounds. My weight creeped up just a bit more to about 320 pounds -and there I stayed for several years. I tried diets, diet pills, tons of exercise and while I certainly got more fit, I did not drop any weight.

I found out later I had something called "Polycystic Ovary Syndrome with severe insulin resistance" and all that rice and pasta I was eating was pretty toxic for me. Who knew?

I got married and after some chemical assistance, we had two kids in three years and then an unexpected bonus round.... I got diabetes and continued to gain weight. The last pregnancy...well, it was hard on my body and I gained weight -then I had pneumonia for a long time and then a hysterectomy to stop the hemoraghing... Not my finest two years. I decided I had to stop the madness and my road to weight loss began again in earnest.

There is a lot of stuff in the middle of the then and now. Lots of good stuff and lots of bad stuff and I am a strong believer in the fact that God does not give you what you cannot handle but that we often have to find the strength and fortitude inside of us to handle it. I am a sum of all my parts -and I am the only one responsible for my outcome.

So now I own the body I am in wholeheartedly. When I started trying to lose weight, I worked with a nutritionist and lost a lot of weight and then joined TOPS (a non-profit weight loss group). TOPS saved my life. I get the accountability I need and the companionship of people in a similiar situation -but there is also the reminder that it is ME that has to do this -no one can do it for me...

My official weight once I got into TOPS -403.5 pounds in February 2006 -but that weight only came after almost a month -they could not weigh me at first because I was too heavy for the scale and they had to find a way to weigh me -and it took four meetings to do this. My first goal was to drop below 400 pounds.... then to get below 350 pounds so I could stop using the fishing lure on the scale... and now, after three years, I am a hairsbreath away from the 300 pound mark -I am 306 pounds -lower than I have seen since I was 25 years old... And I just turned 41 years old in July 2009. To me, kind of amazing....

An incidentally, I am about a size away from where I was in the picture above -I am a 22 now.... Nope, things are not in the same place and I still have 80 pounds to go until my goal weight, but I have already lost 150 pounds. I am not the 16 year old in the picture (and my body can certainly attest to the years and the three kids) but its a landmark, that picture. Its where I was -not where I am headed.

I am hoping that blogging makes it easier for me, and maybe for someone else, to understand that they are not alone in their struggles to be thinner and healthier. That sometimes, thinking out loud makes the thought process make a bit more sense. And clarifies why so many of us in this world continue to hold on to our weight -and why.....

Thanks for reading....