Time, Time, Time....Look what's become of me!

I have had one of those really bizarre experiences where my life resembles fiction at an alarming rate. I "discovered" a show with Keifer Sutherland called TOUCH - great show, I strongly recommended it -about how there are not really coincidences so much as patterns if we are open to seeing them... And then I got this song stuck in my head... Sadly, I just remembered The Bangles version but it's been done about a million times and it I just love the lyrics... Here is a link to the YouTube video if you want to sing along... LYRICS: Time, time, time, see what's become of me..... Time, time, time, see what's become of me. While I looked around for my possibilities, I was so hard to please. Look around, the leaves are brown, And the sky is a hazy shade of winter. Hear the salvation army band Down by the riverside, it's bound to be a better ride Than what you've got planned, Carry your cup in your hand. Look around you, the leaves are brown now, And the sky is a hazy shade of winter. Hang on to your hopes, my friend. That's an easy thing to say but if your hopes should pass away, It's simply pretend, that you can build them again. Look around, the grass is high, the fields are ripe, It's the springtime of my life. Oh, seasons change with the scenery, Weaving time in a tapestry, Won't you stop and remember me? Look around, the leaves are brown, And the sky is a hazy shade of winter. Look around, the leaves are brown, There's a patch of snow on the ground, Look around, the leaves are brown, There's a patch of snow on the ground, Look around, the leaves are brown, Anyone who knows what an Oregon summer starts like (it looks like fall out there!), knows this is a great summer song! LOL I haven't had the opportunity to blog in a really long time and I have kind of missed it. It's cathartic and so I am going to try and add it back in to the melee which is my life. I actually had someone ask me recently if I still do it. Don't want to let the fans down :-) so here you go... I have been keeping myself really busy but the biggest news on the "weightloss" front is that I have finally been released from physical therapy and have joined a gym to keep trying to get stronger. I love ironies -so how is this -I am not allowed any real "off road" hiking or walking around but I can go to the gym. The gym is how I got hooked on TOUCH, because the awesome gym I go to has WIFI -which means when I am pedaling the stationary bike to nowhere, I am watching my HuluPlus on my iPhone. I have watched the entire first season while either folding laundry or pedaling my heart out. I have moved on to 21 JUMP STREET - don't judge! I have decided that this summer will be a family focused summer, since I messed up last summer so bad -and so far, so good (now mind you, we are only two weeks in!). I have been trying to let the kids dictate a lot of what we do and trying to just keep busy (Last year at this time, I was flat on my back with my knee up-yipes!). And the gym - I am working really hard on trying to get to the gym at least three times a week. I gave up TOPS for the summer to try and not have a lot of "set" things so that I could rest, spend time with the kids and travel a little bit. So the gym plan is for me to gain strength and just be healthier. I am not really working that hard at losing weight but gaining muscle and strength. Best part? It's working! I have been going to the gym since May and have tightened my legs up, my arms are getting definition and I can feel my ribs -woohoo! Now, I am not losing tons of weight yet (only about 2 lbs) but I feel so much better, and really, that is so much more important to me than just losing the weight. Someone asked me if I was going to have a "tummy tuck" since I have lost all this weight and I have all this loose saggy skin. Would it be weird to say I am not excited by the concepts of major surgery on my abdomen? Plus, all that extra room makes the swelling from abdominal HAE attacks less painful... so not right now, folks! So, back to the TOUCH reference -all these things in my life seem to be connected in peripheral ways that I had not noticed before. I find myself sitting back and waiting instead of reacting more, to see how it comes out and allowing activities to play out before I intercede, which is helping my stress level immensely. Much like Jake, in TOUCH, I am not very effectual at communicating, at least not about myself. I think I am "talking" to people but they don't seem to understand me, so I have begun waiting more and seeing if it is to be -maybe more faith than force, I guess... But boy, make it about something I am passionate about OTHER than me, and I can scald you with the heat of my convictions. Boy, that is not a self esteem issue or anything, is it? Sheesh, that one is a huge red flag! LOL A few random ramblings.... I like when Facebook recommends I friend someone I don't particularly care for because we have friends in common -especially when I did not realize that the two "friends" know each other.... I have to admit that it is a bit of pressure to think, "Hmm, so and so likes this person, should I friend them?" Why is it that websites for groups that require annual membership have to be so cumbersome to re-enroll? Obviously if I am re-enrolling I am still involved and interested. I have not changed my birthdate, my gender or my racial profile. Sheesh, just re-enroll me already! My life is a series of Murphy's Law encounters. Example a) I just managed to get a very convoluted web of prior approvals and guidelines established with my health insurance company - when we changed insurance companies... I can't remember the last time I had french toast -but I know that it about 7 hours, I will be having it for breakfast and I cannot wait! What is the magic age children stop bickering? I am too old to remember and certainly too old to wait for my kids to stop. Duct tape is looking good... My ears would appreciate the break... Anyway -I should not blog when I haven't slept, I babble and think only of pot-stirrer topics.... I will be back again soon, I promise.

Sometimes it is what you don't say...

Tonight my family and I went to a local kids pizza restaurant for dinner.  We had a great seat, in front of a bank of windows, sunlight streaming in...  Really nice...  I got up to get a drink refill and passed a man and woman bickering in the lobby.  Woman was nagging at the man about not being at her house when he was supposed to be.  Man was telling her to get out of his face in a not very pleasant manner.  A few minutes later, the woman and the man left the restaurant.  The bickering continued into the parking lot, right outside our beautiful sun-dappled table and my three young children.  Seconds later, the man began beating the woman about the head and shoulders.  I was absolutely floored!  I told my husband and just as we were going to call 911, two other men in the parking lot called 911 and interceded in the fight.

The fight ended up out of sight of the restaurant, and I got to explain to my children why hitting a woman, hitting ANYONE, is against the law.  No, it's not just morally wrong but LEGALLY wrong.  Later the woman was standing alone in the parking lot, outside our window again.  I wondered if she was waiting for her attacker or someone else because she did not seem at all phased or altered by what she had gone through.  I got the feeling it wasn't the first time -nor would it be the last.

I did find an upside to the whole event -two of them actually....  I am from California where rioters beat a man they dragged from a semi truck because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I am so grateful to be living in a community where people get involved and recognize that it is empowering to help each other.  Secondly, I am grateful that I have children who were appalled and willing to discuss it with their parents and to share their opinions and their fears.

And I am hoping they apply those lessons they learned when they see bullies of any age taking advantage of someone else.

I'm going to try Random Thoughts Thursday....

My friend Allison does a great job posting her Random Thoughts Thursday, so I am going to give it a try...  I may never have anyone read my blog again (I often sanitize my brain dumps, believe it or not!) but here goes nothing...  I mean, after all, I am nothing if not Random, right?

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Why is it my kids can't get along when they are doing stuff I need them to do but when they are doing stuff I would rather they NOT do, they get along famously?  And if they are getting along, it must be at the highest possible volume, guaranteed to split ear drums.

For someone who does not have a paying job, I have a lot of work on my plate.

Why is every reference I know related to food?  Slower than molasses... work on my plate...   And since we are talking about food, how come whenever I gain weight or stay the same, more people compliment me on how much weight I have lost?

I am convinced laundry leaves the main level of my house for the basement and mates...  and they send my socks to boarding school...  We have way to much laundry for a house with three kids who wear uniforms and pajamas all school year and swimsuits all summer.

The grass is always greener in someone else's yard.  No, literally.  I refuse to water my grass in Oregon.  It rains 9 months out of the year here -the grass always comes back nice and green by November, so why bother?

Sometimes, I wander my house when everyone is asleep.  I used to think it was because I couldn't sleep but now I think its because it's the only time the house is quiet.  Well, it used to be until we got that second cat...

I am 7 years from 50.  This was not nearly as alarming as I thought it was.... until my kids said, "you are really old mom!"  I think I have been in denial....   And suddenly I feel like I am aging rapidly...  It's the kids...  I turn 50 the same year my 10 year old graduates from high school and my 8 year old gets her learners permit.  I am sure this is no accident on God's part.

Most of the people who are my closest friends now I met because of a medical condition or through a website.

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Ok, that's enough for now!  I have a whole bunch of blog ideas I am working on so I will get back to those for now...   Happy Thursday!  And let me know if I should keep doing the randomness.  Oh -and go check out Allison's blog too by clicking the link above....  Have a great Thursday!

I will never ever underestimate myself again.... I hope!

OK, so sometimes, when I am weak and caught unaware, I underestimate how klutzy and ridiculous I really am...

On June 4, I fell in the street at a neighborhood garage sale.  I did not think it was all that bad.  There was a lot of blood and it looked gross, but I figured it was cosmetic damage and just usual klutzy behavior.  And because I am the mommy, I totally sucked it up, minimized the pain and got going -even tried to keep shopping the yard sales so my kids would not freak out.  No one else does that, do they?

Because my life is all about the timing, I have to point out that I fell the exact same day my husband of 12 years left for a week long business trip that had been planned for over a year....  Yeah, this was going to go well....

Eventually I had to stop the flow of blood and the questions of the people in the community yard sale who were GREATLY concerned about the amount of blood I was leaving behind...  I couldn't get the bleeding to stop.  As a result, me and my three ducklings headed home for antiseptic, soap and water and massive ice packs....

Turns out, Mama don't know diddly about cuts and scrapes!  I did not go to the emergency room or urgent care until the next morning when I couldn't stand up without pain.  Went to the Urgent Care where they x-rayed the knee and said all was fine except for some bone bruising, I needed stitches but it was too late to get them, I was not to drive and I needed to be on crutches.  Whuck?  Did I mention I drove myself to the Urgent Care?  Yeah, I got a lecture for that and for refusing pain meds but anyone who knows me knows I don't like them anyway.... and no way in Topeka was I going to take them when I was supposed to be the "responsible one" in the house with hubby all the way on the right coast for a week....  the bleeding did not stop for three weeks....

Well, its now almost 6 weeks later (just two days shy).  I have since discovered that bone contusions are gross and beyond painful.  When you have cuts that require stitches and you don't get them, odds are good you will get a NASTY infection (yes, I did!).  And I have learned that pain killers can be a good thing....  and I have learned I am not a patient person and I am not good at having everyone else take care of me.  I must be insufferable right about now!  I know I am not enjoying my own company at all... I hate crutches and I hate spending most of every day flat on my back with my leg above my hip.

My 10 year old cooked the entire time my hubby was out of town.  It was not five star meals, but it was balanced, cooked properly and truthfully, kept mommy from losing her marbles or living off of delivery pizza.  When hubby returned, he commandeered cooking duties with the 10 year old's help and they are a pretty great team.  I don't starve, the food is edible and believe it or not, I have lost weight on bedrest.  Yeah, I'm pretty shocked out of my bobby socks on that one too....

As much as there is a lot to dislike, there is so much to be grateful for and so much to be overwhelmed by -in the GOOD way.  No one knows how much longer I am down for the count, but every day I am so eternally grateful for the little things -that are really so much bigger than the givers realize.  Things....

• like the friend who hauls my cookies, wheelchair and all, to hither and yon to get me out of the house.   Then turns around for a trip that includes ALL of my kids!
• like the friend who kidnapped my kids for bowling, dinner and a park play date.  It gave them a much needed taste of summer, me a couple of hours of not feeling like an invalid and hubby and I date night.
• like the friends who sponsored a 4th of July BBQ and then made amazing concessions to the gimp.
• like the friend who literally gave me her TV.  Who cares if you are traveling -most people would not do that.
• like the friend who made us a cake, brought me magazines and sat for a visit even though she is in more pain than me.
• like the friends who work at a certain doctor's office who told me how I could expedite insurance and doctors and digital imaging and helped me not to lose my mind waiting for all of the red tape.

There are so many more...  the phone calls, the books, tons of things people have done to make me feel like I am still a part of the world outside my bedroom walls.  And all of the prayers....  That in itself is amazing to me....

Tomorrow is a big day for our house.  We go see the orthopedist -a knee specialist.  The MRI shows a fissure (a crack) in the knee cap.  May not be anything but so much of our life right now is a waiting game...  So many questions unanswered and so many things we want to know that we are getting cross eyed waiting...  

And my kids would like their summer back....

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life.  - Buddha

Sounds pretty simple doesn't it?  Be present in the moment.  But it's not.  We all travel with so much baggage these days and we hold on to everything.  I bet, if we checked, hoarding is on the rise in both physical possesions and emotional possessions.  I am guilty of it, certainly.  I cannot forget the past and try and carry everything along with me.  But if I can learn to let go, leave the harmful, nasty stuff behind, I will have open arms for the glorious and beautiful and not be clutching the negative, detrimental stuff so close.

I think we have to let go sometimes and leave the stuff behind.  I watch my kids sometimes when they set the table for dinner.  They try and carry too much and inevitably, something gets broke.

Happens with people too.  If I try and do too much for my family and I don't slow down and ask for help where I can, will I get broke?  Or am I already?  If I keep creating my future by relying on information and experiences from the past, that were with OTHER people, I am creating a disappointing and self fulfilling prophecy of my life.  Life is a one shot deal and it's our responsibility to make it our best one possible. 

Life, love and Depeche Mode

Life has been kind of crazy lately.  Let me share some snippets of my crazy with you....

Unfortunately, last Tuesday I had the misfortune of having another Angioedema attack.  Its the first time since last June that I have had one, but still -not a nice way to wake up at 430am on a Tuesday...  Angioedema is a strange beast.  I have it in my gastrointestinal track so my intensines swell up and I get fluid in my abdomen.  Its ugly painful.  I would rather go through labor without benefit of pain killers...

This time, we got a hold of the doc first thing and got seen then scheduled for a transfusion of fresh frozen plasma...  Doesn't hurt, shortened the intensity and the duration -hey, WIN-WIN!  Except...   Now, I can't donate blood for a year.  And I am occasionally waking up with weird thoughts.  Can I blame them on the "donor" who gave me their plasma?  If I wandered around telling people my weird thoughts, could I eventually figure out my donor?  Uhm, would I want to?

I got called by the Red Cross a few days after the transfusion to get me to participate in a blood drive.  Prior to all of this, donating blood was a huge milestone for me.  I have been donating since my early 20s.  But I got way too fat to donate at the mobile drives and then was too anemic after the birth of my son in 2005 to donate.  Eventually, my weight was down and the anemia was better and I began donating as frequently as I can.  Anyway, I asked the caller if  I was eligible to donate after the transfusion and the volunteer said, "Well, its not a blood product."  Um, yeah - it most definitely IS!  I got asked by a guy at the bank who made the plasma.  My response?  "Um, pretty sure it was God."  I am feeling particularly snarky since the transfusion -must mean I am feeling better...  Or something was mixed in... or my donor was on some other med that is passing through the blood stream.  Yeah, that's it...  And I don't know why but I kept thinking of the movie PET SEMETARY while I got the transfusion....

The other downside of the whole attack thing is that I become a finicky eater and I am exhausted.  Which brings me to major bad news of the week for me...  I hit the 300 lbs mark again at my TOPS weigh in.  Dang it.  I just bumped right into it, but still - the finicky eating and the lack of energy just means I am in no way interested in working out.  I am also not interested in laundry, naughty cats or children who don't finish their homework when they say they did, but that is not related to the attack, unless its true that stress triggers the attacks, in which case -HOOK UP THE PLASMA IV now!  But the finicky eating -body thinks it won't get food again and shuts down...  Argh.  My life is a see-saw. 

I am not happy to see 300 again.  I am not sure who was more bummed, me or our weight recorder, who just kept saying, "I'm sorry".  Me too, but I ate my way here, it will have to be me who sends that hideous number into the past...  I was hoping it was never in my future...  And I guess its not -its my present.  Time for a reboot of the mental system.  It would help if this infernal rain would stop.  I appreciate the green result, but yipes.  We get one gorgeous (but cold) day and then rain -again.  I think the exhaustion I feel is some bizarre sense of depression.  Definitely need some sun...  and to win the lottery...And I am going to try to make sure that next Tuesday's weigh in does not let me see 300 again...  I hate that number. 

My children have all had their birthdays for the year -whew.  Them getting older means I am older too.  And borrowing their headbands means you can see the grey to prove it...  On principal, I am refusing to dye my hair.   I think the grey hairs should be looked at as badges, showing how much I have invested in my family.  Besides, I tried once to color them and the dye never worked...  Why waste my time?

My poor husband -I asked him once why he doesn't do the romantic overtures he did when we were dating and he said, "Why?  We're already married."  True.  I still do romantic things for him -I think - but I have grey hair, rarely shave my legs, live in my sweats and I am tired all the time.  Oh, and I don't save the snarky just for my blog.  Who do you think gets the better deal?  I am guessing it depends on the day....

So what does all this ranting and weird stuff have to do with Depeche Mode (I will assume you all know who they are)?

They sing a song called "Blasphemous Rumours".  This wonderful song, is the soundtrack to my life...

Listen to Depeche Mode here -with lyrics

I think if you don't look at your life with a little humor, you are going to be in a padded room, wearing a nice coat with the sleeves in the back -and then you have lost more than just your mind, you have lost everything....

Today's not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking so good either...

When it rains, it pours might have also been an apt title, especially given that I live in Oregon with one of the worst wet winters on record.  Oh that's right, its not officially winter anymore. 

I am one of three kids.  Both of my parents are dead  - one a while back (almost 16 years ago -a whole other lifetime ago) and one more recent.  My childhood, like many, was not an easy one.  Some of the trials and tribulations were normal growing up things (bullies, boys and bad self image) others not so normal for the time (believe it or not divorce, sexual abuse, alcoholism). 

I have always looked at my life as a sum of all its parts.  I don't look at my life with regrets, if I can help it, as I would not be where I am now if those things had not happened.  I can NOT like what happened, not like what the outcome of something was (like gaining hundreds of pounds too much) but regreting the past means regreting who I am -and I don't.  Nowadays, I think I am a pretty decent person.  I volunteer, I am community oriented, I don't drink, don't do drugs or carouse all night.   I am a faithful wife, love my children and have a great group of friends who at any given moment can be relied upon to fill in as part of whatever part of my life is lacking something at that moment (friend, sister, parent, grandparent, confidant, asskicker, whatever)...

When I was growing up, I did not have a lot of friends.  I had a lot of people I knew, but probably the best friend I had was my brother, who is younger than me.  He's about four and a half years younger chronologically, but while we were the spitting image of each other -we are polar opposites in personality.  My sister on the other hand is about four and a half years older and was everything I was not.  Platinum blonde, tall, thin and could not care less what people thought of her.   I so wanted to be her and I so wanted her to like me. 

As I have grown up in both age and wisdom, there are a lot of life changes.  My brother and I have nothing in common and very little contact.  There is no sign of the companionship that was bred of a life led in each other's shadow both genetically, resembling a man long gone and by the geography of growing up in each others pockets.  I am no longer his caretaker or his confidante in any capacity.  I've met his wife, though she was not his wife then and he has children I have never seen - but he has not seen mine either, or met my husband of over 12 years.  The rift was there before the marriages and the children came along.  My sister and I are so much closer than she and I were growing up and she often weighs in on what my oldest daughter is thinking when engaging in sibling terrorizing and she ends every conversation with how much she loves me, not waiting for me to say it first.  She survived a very difficult firestorm to come out the other side a person at peace with who she is and others faults -and lets them own their own issues.  She was at my wedding, loves my husband and my children and has become a pretty amazing adults.

How is it that our lives perform such intricate twists and turns?  How is that the one everyone thought was confident and secure as a child ends up the one hellbent on self destruction?  How is it that the one who never seemed to notice anyone else has become the student of acceptance?  When is enough distance enough and when do you ignore the gap for the greater good?

I find myself a skeptic, where I used to be optimistic and faithful.  Not with everyone mind you, but with the ones who seem so intent on misdirecting what is going on.  I don't like game playing in my interpersonal relationships and I withdraw both physically and emotionally when I feel like that is what is happening -part of why my brother and I are no longer close.  I often feel like my life reflects the Wizard of Oz.  "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."  The GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ!  But I do pay attention - I hear the tinkering and see the curtain moving.  When I was at my lowest, I found comfort in religion, finding a grounding and home where I could allow myself to heal and choose my way.  But the voices and characters from the past cannot always be ignored and sometimes they are asking us to remember when it was different and to accept the lessons and let go. 

My question is -how do you know when you are supposed to stay away from the edge - and how are you supposed to know when you are supposed to jump?  My sister called to let me know that choices are due and time may be running out.  Time to start evaluating past choices and make new ones...

One of my favorite quotes from Bull Durham, "Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains."  Seems appropriate today....